Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Top 5 movies starring wrestlers

Hot on the heels of the netflix and the wrestling entries comes the first of what will be many lists that, should you heed them, will improve your life and open your eyes to a whole new world of badassery. To kick this off we will look into a topic close to one of my three hearts, (because to be truly hardcore you have to have redundant organs. Don't believe me? Look at the Krogans) movies staring wrestlers!

A multiple organ having badass
Oh and a quick note. There is one restriction on this list. One nomination per wrestler. Otherwise it would be 5 hulk hogan movies. Oh and these are not in descending order or anything, they are just 5 variably awesome movies.

5) Santa With Muscles!


Seriously. Just look at that cover. Thats Hulk Hogan as fucking SANTA. He plays a rich dude who gets amnesia and as a result he believes hes santa, and he has to save christmas. If you dont already want to watch this movie then I dont know what else to say other then to politely suggest you grow some nuts and join the rest of us in manhood (this applies to all ladies as well. Seriously girls, nut up) So you may be tempted to look this up on IMDB and in doing so you will notice it has a 2.2 out of 10 rating and as such you may be tempted to stay away from this movie. FUCKING DONT. In my extensive experience, ratings paint a bell curve where the awesome points on the graph are at the top and bottom of the range (exclude shit like that Justin Beiber curry fart that was at a 1.4 last I checked) so dont be afraid of the 2.2. Dont believe me that a movie with such a low rating could be amazing? Check out The Room, 3.2 and one of the most worthwhile films of the last five or so years. 
Other Hulk Hogan titles that I considered for this spot: Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, No Holds Barred, and Secret Agent Club (which wins the title for most puns per second in a film ever) 

4) Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe!

Holy shit. Jesse Venture is like a space detective that comes to earth to track down one of his own kind who knocked up some earth chick with an potentially space and time destroying mutant baby. This movie also has probably the most awkward kissing scene ever. Im not sure that at this point in his life Jesse Ventura had learned the meaning of "kiss". Again, a 2.5 rating on our awesomeness bell curve puts this in the sweet spot. 

3) Rocky III!

This particular poster makes it look like Stallone may be going back to the roots of the Italian Stallion, though this time with a gay/interracial theme. By the way that was where the nickname came from and one of Stallones earliest roles, a porno. Fyi. look it up. Im not lying. For serious.

Now I know when alot of you out there see Mr. T you think of things like the A-team, the movie at hand or this...
Seriously, that's Mr. T as some kind of forest dwelling, one man tribe.

but what many fail to remember is that his first really big break was in professional wrestling. Not only was he involved in the profession, he was the tag team partner of none other then Hulk Hogan in Wrestlemania 1. That being the case, Rocky III totally deserves to be on this list. Now this series is an poster child for American culture and ideals. Not only is it about an underdog who achieves and fights against adversity and hes brave and whatever but its also a fucking money machine with a total of six movies. SIX. Now of those six, only three are worth mentioning. Rocky I is a legitimate good film and is one hell of a good rags to riches story. The only other films in the series that matter are III and IV, IV because he is literally fighting the physical embodiment of communism (Rocky IV is generally given equal credit for the fall of the soviet union, justly so) and III all because of Mr. I Pity the Fool T. This movie is basically garbage of the worst kind, boring, forced and uncreative but Mr. T as the villian makes ever second of it worth while. Oh and honorable mention for the Hulkster being in it as well as the wrestler "Thunderlips". Great way to open the movie.

2) Walking Tall!

Premise: The most electrifying man in sports entertainment goes off to war, electrifies some bitches, and comes back to his home town to find that some jerk bag has been living large off of the latent electricity left behind by The Rock and using it for evil. Obviously, this cannot stand, so our hero uses a 4x4 to wreck everyone's faces while Johnny Knoxville flops around in the background and gets hurt. This movie is a bit more in the generic action category as opposed to over the top fun times which I generally argue for but The Rock deserved to be on this list and dammit this is his most awesome movie by a long shot. What the fuck else was I gonna pick? The Scorpion King? 

1) The Princess Bride! 
Ok, so this may be too far off topic given that this movie certainly doesn't focus around a wrestler but come on! Its the fucking Princess Bride, everyone loves this movie and if you don't you should go suck your own dick forever. Besides one of the most memorable characters in the movie is this guy!

Fuck yeah that's Fezzik! Otherwise known as Andre the Giant, one of the most awesome wrestlers of all time.
Ahhh I cant do it, this movie really only counts for like a half point. I need one more to fill out this list properly.

1.2) They Live!

So this one is pretty obscure and pretty much fucking amazing. You cant tell from the cover but that's none other the Rowdy Roddy Piper! That's right, Rowdy Roddy Piper and you know what hes doing? Killing the shit out of the corporate elite, which just happen to be aliens. BOOM!

That's it for this list, watch these movies and enjoy. More top five to come in the FUTURE!


  1. When I saw Walking Tall in theaters, when he whipped out that 4x4 from the back of his badass-criminal-rammin'-police-truck-mobile, everyone in the place exploded in raucous cheers.

  2. Im surprised it wasn't a constant stream of cheers. I mean he IS the most electrifying mand in sports entertainment after all.