Sunday, January 29, 2012

Commando Blows Away the Competition/Another Blog Worth Nothing...err...Noting

I refer you to a masterful review of the 1980s classic action flick "Commando" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, along with a recommendation to peruse the rest of the site: - "Commando" Movie Review

Now despite my protests to the contrary, Chet seems to believe that Predator is the greatest Arnold movie of all time. Now don't get me wrong, Predator is a great film in which Arnold basically takes on a badass alien warrior single-handed (after all of his idiot friends die). But in Commando, Arnold takes on AN ENTIRE DESPOT ARMY. Yes, they may be poorly trained (seriously, these guys appear to have just been born at the age of 33 and had an automatic rifle placed in their hands) and their "general" so to speak is really just some overweight sack of blubber wrapped in chainmail armor (why?) that (allegedly) once served alongside Arnold in one of the most secretive elite American fighting forces ever, but I sincerely don't think there is another movie out there where Arnold carries as many weapons and fires as many rounds and causes as many 'splosions and murderizes as many nameless goons as the final sequences in Commando. That's the first pro.

PRO: Oh god, the one liners. So good.

PRO: Sully. This character is the epitome of the skeeziest, most perverse, woman-hating little ratfink of a human being one could care to imagine. His place on the spectrum is directly opposite Arnold's dawtah-loving family man persona, a position that makes his death extra satisfying. And besides, Arnold "likes him" too.

See, chainmail. I told ya. You didn't believe me? Ass.
PRO: These cuz I'm too lazy to write anymore:
This has been argued amongst experts and historians to be possibly the greatest line delivery ever in a motion picture.
Regretfully, Alyssa Milano is but a gangly little brat at this age.
In the film, John Matrix retires from the service and settles
 down to begin a modest career as a logging truck.
If this doesn't entice you, I truly hate you.
I stole this image from the blog I just referred
you to. I'm classy like that.

If this isn't enough to convince you of the IRREFUTABLE FACT that Commando is the GREATEST ARNOLD MOVIE of all time, then I just wasted an hour putting together this craptastic article. Please, justify this waste of time I could have spent improving my life by agreeing with me. If you do, I promise I'll kill you last.

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