Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Top 5 movies starring wrestlers

Hot on the heels of the netflix and the wrestling entries comes the first of what will be many lists that, should you heed them, will improve your life and open your eyes to a whole new world of badassery. To kick this off we will look into a topic close to one of my three hearts, (because to be truly hardcore you have to have redundant organs. Don't believe me? Look at the Krogans) movies staring wrestlers!

A multiple organ having badass
Oh and a quick note. There is one restriction on this list. One nomination per wrestler. Otherwise it would be 5 hulk hogan movies. Oh and these are not in descending order or anything, they are just 5 variably awesome movies.

5) Santa With Muscles!


Seriously. Just look at that cover. Thats Hulk Hogan as fucking SANTA. He plays a rich dude who gets amnesia and as a result he believes hes santa, and he has to save christmas. If you dont already want to watch this movie then I dont know what else to say other then to politely suggest you grow some nuts and join the rest of us in manhood (this applies to all ladies as well. Seriously girls, nut up) So you may be tempted to look this up on IMDB and in doing so you will notice it has a 2.2 out of 10 rating and as such you may be tempted to stay away from this movie. FUCKING DONT. In my extensive experience, ratings paint a bell curve where the awesome points on the graph are at the top and bottom of the range (exclude shit like that Justin Beiber curry fart that was at a 1.4 last I checked) so dont be afraid of the 2.2. Dont believe me that a movie with such a low rating could be amazing? Check out The Room, 3.2 and one of the most worthwhile films of the last five or so years. 
Other Hulk Hogan titles that I considered for this spot: Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, No Holds Barred, and Secret Agent Club (which wins the title for most puns per second in a film ever) 

4) Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe!

Holy shit. Jesse Venture is like a space detective that comes to earth to track down one of his own kind who knocked up some earth chick with an potentially space and time destroying mutant baby. This movie also has probably the most awkward kissing scene ever. Im not sure that at this point in his life Jesse Ventura had learned the meaning of "kiss". Again, a 2.5 rating on our awesomeness bell curve puts this in the sweet spot. 

3) Rocky III!

This particular poster makes it look like Stallone may be going back to the roots of the Italian Stallion, though this time with a gay/interracial theme. By the way that was where the nickname came from and one of Stallones earliest roles, a porno. Fyi. look it up. Im not lying. For serious.

Now I know when alot of you out there see Mr. T you think of things like the A-team, the movie at hand or this...
Seriously, that's Mr. T as some kind of forest dwelling, one man tribe.

but what many fail to remember is that his first really big break was in professional wrestling. Not only was he involved in the profession, he was the tag team partner of none other then Hulk Hogan in Wrestlemania 1. That being the case, Rocky III totally deserves to be on this list. Now this series is an poster child for American culture and ideals. Not only is it about an underdog who achieves and fights against adversity and hes brave and whatever but its also a fucking money machine with a total of six movies. SIX. Now of those six, only three are worth mentioning. Rocky I is a legitimate good film and is one hell of a good rags to riches story. The only other films in the series that matter are III and IV, IV because he is literally fighting the physical embodiment of communism (Rocky IV is generally given equal credit for the fall of the soviet union, justly so) and III all because of Mr. I Pity the Fool T. This movie is basically garbage of the worst kind, boring, forced and uncreative but Mr. T as the villian makes ever second of it worth while. Oh and honorable mention for the Hulkster being in it as well as the wrestler "Thunderlips". Great way to open the movie.

2) Walking Tall!

Premise: The most electrifying man in sports entertainment goes off to war, electrifies some bitches, and comes back to his home town to find that some jerk bag has been living large off of the latent electricity left behind by The Rock and using it for evil. Obviously, this cannot stand, so our hero uses a 4x4 to wreck everyone's faces while Johnny Knoxville flops around in the background and gets hurt. This movie is a bit more in the generic action category as opposed to over the top fun times which I generally argue for but The Rock deserved to be on this list and dammit this is his most awesome movie by a long shot. What the fuck else was I gonna pick? The Scorpion King? 

1) The Princess Bride! 
Ok, so this may be too far off topic given that this movie certainly doesn't focus around a wrestler but come on! Its the fucking Princess Bride, everyone loves this movie and if you don't you should go suck your own dick forever. Besides one of the most memorable characters in the movie is this guy!

Fuck yeah that's Fezzik! Otherwise known as Andre the Giant, one of the most awesome wrestlers of all time.
Ahhh I cant do it, this movie really only counts for like a half point. I need one more to fill out this list properly.

1.2) They Live!

So this one is pretty obscure and pretty much fucking amazing. You cant tell from the cover but that's none other the Rowdy Roddy Piper! That's right, Rowdy Roddy Piper and you know what hes doing? Killing the shit out of the corporate elite, which just happen to be aliens. BOOM!

That's it for this list, watch these movies and enjoy. More top five to come in the FUTURE!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Commando Blows Away the Competition/Another Blog Worth Nothing...err...Noting

I refer you to a masterful review of the 1980s classic action flick "Commando" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, along with a recommendation to peruse the rest of the site:

Listentome.net - "Commando" Movie Review

Now despite my protests to the contrary, Chet seems to believe that Predator is the greatest Arnold movie of all time. Now don't get me wrong, Predator is a great film in which Arnold basically takes on a badass alien warrior single-handed (after all of his idiot friends die). But in Commando, Arnold takes on AN ENTIRE DESPOT ARMY. Yes, they may be poorly trained (seriously, these guys appear to have just been born at the age of 33 and had an automatic rifle placed in their hands) and their "general" so to speak is really just some overweight sack of blubber wrapped in chainmail armor (why?) that (allegedly) once served alongside Arnold in one of the most secretive elite American fighting forces ever, but I sincerely don't think there is another movie out there where Arnold carries as many weapons and fires as many rounds and causes as many 'splosions and murderizes as many nameless goons as the final sequences in Commando. That's the first pro.

PRO: Oh god, the one liners. So good.

PRO: Sully. This character is the epitome of the skeeziest, most perverse, woman-hating little ratfink of a human being one could care to imagine. His place on the spectrum is directly opposite Arnold's dawtah-loving family man persona, a position that makes his death extra satisfying. And besides, Arnold "likes him" too.

See, chainmail. I told ya. You didn't believe me? Ass.
PRO: These cuz I'm too lazy to write anymore:
This has been argued amongst experts and historians to be possibly the greatest line delivery ever in a motion picture.
Regretfully, Alyssa Milano is but a gangly little brat at this age.
In the film, John Matrix retires from the service and settles
 down to begin a modest career as a logging truck.
If this doesn't entice you, I truly hate you.
I stole this image from the blog I just referred
you to. I'm classy like that.

If this isn't enough to convince you of the IRREFUTABLE FACT that Commando is the GREATEST ARNOLD MOVIE of all time, then I just wasted an hour putting together this craptastic article. Please, justify this waste of time I could have spent improving my life by agreeing with me. If you do, I promise I'll kill you last.

Skyrim: Thoughts, gripes and hopes for the future

So like many people, since November I’ve been in what we have taken to calling a “sky hole” which basically equates to logging a staggering number of hours into the game without really being aware of it. For fucks sake I’ve played something like 200 hours or more and I haven’t even beat the main story line yet. Regardless, after five characters I think its time for a bit of analysis because I’ve gotten to the point where I need a break from skyrimming. So here we go with a bit of retrospective consideration about the game that has consumed my life and derailed my studies for the past few months.

The good:
This game does a lot right as far as improving on oblivion and in general kicking the ass of most the games out there now. I hear a lot of computer nerds howling from their wank caves about how this is a baby RPG and can’t stand up to the likes of the Witcher and Dragon Age. Setting aside criticisms that they are a bunch of whiny cunts that hate when anything isn’t specifically made for their over priced virginity machines I will point out that I look at this as not really an issue of what games are better but a difference in approach to the RPG format. With Dragon Age and the Witcher we have essentially linear (I know there’s choice elements and different paths to take but the story is all set out and you travel along it so its linear, just hidden well) and controlled main characters with either no or limited choice. Skyrim is a sandbox approach where you design your character from the ground up and the game goes “Here! Go fucking nuts” and you are left alone in the world to do as you see fit. I mean just check the paragraph above, 200 hours and 5 characters and I still haven’t beaten the main story and that's because I don't have to. A lot of people see the sandbox element as just a gimmick to appeal to the GTA and Call of Duty crowds, you know dumb it down so those outside the PC gaming world will actually buy it. This is wrong. The way I view Skyrim and Oblivion is that they are imagination centric RPG’s; the sandbox is there as a tool for you to write your own fucking story, not have it told to you. The story quests you do are not so much about the written content itself but the way you approach it with the way you have developed your character. Take my current game. I’m an Argonian shield and sword type. I don't allow my character to wear a helmet because the horns wouldn't fit, and I don't do any enchanting because I aint no pussy. As a rule I don't consort with dark elves but the Nord’s can also go fuck themselves for being separatist turds. With this in mind I have a unique context in which I approach the game, the missions I take, the way I do them and who I choose to be nice to and who I choose to piss off. Its this kind of shit that makes the game for me, the ability to really apply your imagination and have it directly influence the game. You just don't get that with other games. Oh and Dragon Age and the Witcher were so fucking boring to play that I never got all the way through them. Why I think such things will be saved for later blogs I suppose, unless thinking about those games will put me into a boredom coma again.

There’s other things that are in Skyrim’s favor, graphics, dungeons that are actually interesting, variation in missions throughout different campaigns (not much but its enough to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside) but that shit doesn't matter much in comparison to the workings of the game which they have improved a lot. It feels a lot more real and active than Oblivion, less game like and closer to that near perfect feeling of hand to hand you get from Condemned. When I shield smash a dragon in its fucking stupid face and then shout fire all over its asshole it feels way more satisfying then anything you got from Oblivion. All that coupled with a lot of functional time killers you can do like mining, cooking, and all the little jobs like woodcutting sets up a world you can really get lost in, especially if you are taking full advantage of its imagination enhancement function as I do. Still, my honeymoon phase with this game officially ended in 2011. Time to put some rage to it. Bethesda you better be paying attention because I’m about to drop some hard fucking truth nukes all up in this bitch.

The bad:
So I talked about all that imagination enhancement yeah? Well that works really well to a point but the universe you are in has to function in a way that's conducive to creating a character in it. Skryim fails fucking massively in two key ways, moral choice and consequences for your actions. Sure, if you steal from a shop they may hire some thugs to get killed in the face by you outside of a cave somewhere but that doesn't fucking cut it. There needs to be real reward and real consequence for the things you do. Take one of my daedric quests as an example. I do all this shit, get this guy to follow me to a bunch of creepers who I don't really know what they are about so I’m curious to see it through to the end. Turns out, they want me to fucking eat this dude. Well, given how I had constructed my character in my head I was like get the fuck out! But I did it just to see what happens. And you know what happened? Fucking nothing! I just ate a dudes face mother fucker I should have wrath from the gods raining down on me but I can just walk into the nearest town, talk to everyone and nothing is different even though I’m a fucking cannibal. Without punishment it's impossible, after awhile, to maintain the character you have built in the universe because you stop giving a shit and stop placing arbitrary restrictions on your actions because without any moral system all your actions are arbitrary! The same goes for reward. I ate that dude but I considered not to because it seemed off with my character. Why did I do it? Because I knew that by walking out I would get jack shit for my efforts up to that point. Refusing to eat the guy or given the option to save him from his now revealed fate and maybe fuck up the cannibal cult should be rewarded equally with going through the quest but its not. After putting the effort into the quest your only option is to eat the guy to get the reward and that sucks. The universe would be so much more dynamic and interesting if your choices changed the way the universe itself interacted with you. Take this for an example, I don't eat the guy and I kill all of the cannibals and as such receive some divine blessing. At the same time I also piss off the daedra and have cultists and assassins from the plane of oblivion trying to kill me and I would only be able to do the daedric quests given by those who already hated the specific prince I pissed off. That would be way more fun! The story and character you have created within the game would feel so much more dynamic and important but noooo we can't deny people content within their game. What if they are only going to play through once? What if they make a mistake and feel all sad and want to cry in their mommy’s teats? FUCK them. I don't know why games feel like they need to baby us, especially considering this is, if it’s rating is to be believed, for individuals 17 and older. Sure there is enough good guy/bad guy content to last awhile and give you the sense that your decisions matter but that runs out at a point and then the game falls apart on a story and character level. I wish that was the end of my problems with the game but sadly there’s more. Lets list this part up.

1) The perk system. I don't know if I’m just really good at these games or if the perk system is just fucking broken. My first character was Nord with a heavy armor, two handed, smithing and enchanting focus. I cant fucking play that character any more because I’m a walking wall of death who has no match. I’m on master level difficulty and I am absolutely destroying everything with one to four hits. If that wasn't bad enough my armor rating is nearly 1000 and I have 100% resist to all elements. There’s nothing that can stop me so the game got boring. This isn’t me breaking the game or anything this was just me looking at the perks and choosing what I thought my character would be focused in and it made me a fucking man god! Talos himself could come back and I’d bite his face off like it was no big deal! Same thing happened with my assassin character and my mage, shit just got too easy. From one hitting everything with 30x backstab damage to having three people, two atronach’s and a companion, permanently helping me out the game just gets easy and that just sucks ass.

2) They got rid of stuff they shouldn't have and minimilized the usefulness of things they kept.
What they should have kept
-Athletics and Acrobatics: Without these, being a quick and scrappy fighter just doesn't feel the same. Yeah the flipping around in Oblivion wasn't very useful but they could have improved it rather then scrapping it. Now, if you're a light armor guy you just feel the same as a heavy armor guy but with less defense. Fucking stupid.

-Unarmed: Point one. Nothing is more bad ass then killing a dragon by punching it in the face. Point two. Don't even try to argue against point one. Point three. If your going to have a race that one of its bonus’s is an unarmed attack then at least let them have a tree for unarmed, otherwise you make their bonus fucking pointless past like level 5. Yeah I know that there are brawl fights in bars and shit but that doesn't happen often enough to justify it and when the do happen they are easy enough that you don't need the claw bonus. They missed a huge opportunity here to make khajiit unique and interesting and instead just gimped them. Speaking of gimped…

What they should have gotten rid of or made actually useful/practical
-All of the rogue skills besides archery and alchemy need to be rethought. Sneak runs into the problem again of being over powered (really good for immersion to have guys be like “I guess that was a big rat making that noise!” when you've just killed the three people he was with right in front of his stupid face) and any of the perks beyond the light feet one are pretty much useless. In fact most of the sneak perks ARE useless beyond the base 5 point skill. Its all you really need to be a mega sneaker.  Lock picking and pick pocketing are fucking useless wastes of time. You can pick master locks at your base lock picking skill (yeah I know its hard but not hard enough to make a difference) and all the perks you get don't matter. You want to find more gold and magic items in locked chests? Really? This game throws magic items and gold at you all time, thus making the slight boost you would get fucking pointless. Pick pocketing could have been cool if it ever mattered but it doesn't. Even in the thieves guild quests it doesn't come up enough and in the normal course of the game the rewards you could potentially get don't really balance the risk of getting caught. Sure, at the highest level you can be stealing the weapons from your enemies but no one is going to do that because at that point you probably are already a master of sneak so your just killing everyone anyways. Speech? Holy shit is this pointless. You will never be short in money regardless of how low your speech is so the prices at stores really don't matter. To make it worse, the opportunities to persuade and intimidate are almost non-existent making it a big fucking waste of time and perks! Basically making a straight rogue is pointless in this game because most of the skills associated with the class are fucking useless.

-Smithing and enchanting. A quick point. I love how they set up smithing. I love hunting for the raw materials to make awesome armor and it really does feel immersive using all the different areas for different upgrades to your gear. Sadly, smithing, especially when combined with enchanting, ruins the game in two ways. First because of making you a walking hurricane like I already mentioned so we don't have to go over that again. Secondly, in a game that rewards you with loot for doing quests, letting the players make armor and weapons that are a million times better then the best weapon you will ever find kind of fucked everything up. There’s no point after a while to get awesome loot, like from the daedric quests, because it will never be as good as what you've got. Both of these skills need some serious balance consideration. Either that or they need to make the loot way more rad. Oh and another point, and this is just me bitching, but I don't like that there is an ultimate armor type. If your trying to make your character all that he can be your going to end up in daedric or dragon armor but I don't like the look of either of those. If I was to set up the smithing perks I would let the player chose to advance in a specific armor type, afford benefits to the different types, and thus allow for a more immersive feel to the game AND let the players feel way more in control of how their character comes about.

-Cooking. This was a cute idea but really its kind of pointless unless you never have money to just buy potions.

-Dragons. The first like, 5 dragons you fight feel epic and you get really stoked. After that they are basically sky rats that you just wish you could walk away from so you can get back to whatever it was you were doing. Using any element in a medium like games or movies too much makes that element boring and annoying. They could have fixed this by having fewer dragon fights that would last a lot longer, maybe having special in battle goals you have to complete in order to defeat them (because I highly doubt that an immortal flaming badass of the sky would die from repeated hits to its ass). “But then how would you get enough souls to get all the shouts?” Fuck that shit. What other shouts do you ever actually use beyond the ice/fire breath and fus ro dah? Besides, they could just give you like 5 shout points per dragon killed. Problem solved.

Ok that's all I have to say about Skyrim. Holy shit that went long. I guess I had more pent up rage about that game then I thought cause that just poured forth from me like a curry shit. Regardless, its important to note that I don't think Skyrim is bad, even with all the flaws I put out there. I fucking loved almost every minute I’ve played of this game and I’m going to keep playing it and ill probably let forth an unrelenting force style jizz bomb when the first DLC drops. All of these problems are much more subdued then me yelling about them makes them seem and I only really considered them problems after playing the game for 200 hours, thus giving me ample time to stew on the things I wish would have changed. Basically, if they fix the shit I talked about and implement a moral system to the universe AND if they focus a lot on racial specialization (like letting khajiit use their claws for serious) id say they were on pace to make the most amazing rpg of all time come #6 in the series. When that happens Ill probably drop off the face of the world and emerge years later, un-bathed, mal nourished and totally stoked about it. 

Friday, January 27, 2012

A Youtube Channel and Another Blog you need to be Aware Of

First, 331 Erock is fighting the good fight, taking things that are already awesome like Guiles theme from Street Fighter and making them MORE awesome by turning them in to face melting heavy metal. He is also taking shitty, bottom of the barrel societal herpes like Nicki Minaj and their putrid spunk pile of what is considered music and, through his metallurgy power, making them into something worthy of the soundtrack that would be applied to riding dragons into battle. Go to his page, rock out, be a better person for the future of America.


Secondly, there are some of you out there that dont have that appropriate soundtrack for either your current badass existence or the badass existence you strive for. Thankfully, the universe has provided us with two people capable of harnessing all of the power and majesty that comes from 80s pump up jams, and they used their powers for the supreme good of creating the most amazing mixes that ever were or ever will be. BEHOLD!


Now you have no excuse for not fighting to the top, realizing the power within and pushing it to the limit of the razors edge. 

A Guide to Awesomeness on Netflix Instant Watch

So, it’s just another shitty Wednesday night and you and your bros have gathered at whoever's place has the best TV and or best booze situation and you are at a loss for what to do. Obviously you cant sit around and talk about your day’s and feelings while knitting socks like a bunch of ladies, no your sacks are too full and manly for such femininity and you need to direct said manliness at a tangible experience that you and your bros can share in while not making eye contact. A movie seems like the obvious choice (you may be tempted to insert sports here but dudes who watch sports together secretly just want to gargle nuts so this should be dismissed. Unless you and your bros do all want to gargle nuts and are totally cool with it, in that case totally go for it. Gay does not equal feminine so go ahead and watch some sports, work out and have some sweaty and very active man lovin all the while being totally badass in the process) the question is, what movie? Comedies are good for group situations, after all everyone loves a good laugh. Problem is most of the really good comedies everyone has seen a billion times and Hollywood hasn't provided many gems of late, unless you consider Adam Sandler playing the same shlub he always does while also playing his own twin sister hilarious, in which case id suggest killing yourself, preferably by sack tapping an already pissed off, hungry tiger. The same goes for a lot of action movies too. You all have already watched the ones that are legit and somewhere in the mid 90s. Hollywood took the fun out of action movies by making them all serious with all that shaky camera bullshit that makes it hard to actually tell what is happening (by the way I know what they are trying to do there, give it the “natural” feel which is all good and impressive from a cinematography point of view but for fuck sakes if your going to spend millions on an action movie at least let us see what your shooting). And woe of woes blockbuster drove out all competing rental stores in your town and then shut down themselves so there’s no where to go to ask someone who may know about this shit. FUCK! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO! YOU MAY ACTUALLY HAVE TO INTERACT ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL WITH THE DUDES YOU HANG OUT WITH!

Calm down. Im here to help.

All you need is access to netflix instant watch, a little patience, and some rules for finding things that are fucking awesome.

First, it is important to note that there are only three sections that really matter, Sci-fi/fantasy, Action/adventure, and horror. Which section you go for is a personal choice but for me Sci-fi/fantasy is always where I start so lets lay down the guide for that first.

Narrow your search
In general, with all of these sections you are not looking for anything that's actually “good.” Good movies are great to watch by yourself and appreciating good film is something that we as a country really should work on. Maybe in doing so we will drain Michael Bay’s life essence enough that he will no longer be able to maintain his human form and finally expose him for the demonic shit lizard he is, in which case we will be justified in exploding him (an appropriate death for such a “man”) But watching good movies with all your friends is not a good call, it just doesn't work. You need a movie that you can interact with, not just watch and appreciate. What you need is one of two things; something so shitty that its amazing (note the following)

or something that has a budget but somehow they still produced a movie that is hilarious and shitty while being actually awesome in the context of the action in the movie and the world that is created. (again see the following)

To increase your chances of hitting the mark on these criterion your gonna need to look for movies made in the 80s, with a high cut off of early 90s at the latest. This is because (and this is a bit of an aside but damnit im just full of information) the 80s saw the advent of technology for watching movies at home with laser discs, beta max and VCRs, which of course meant the industry needed to start pumping out titles to fill the shelves at rental places. This led to a lot of money ending up in the hands of people who didn't have a fucking clue what they were doing and or in the hands of film makers who knew what they were doing technically but whose ideas were so bad they would never fly in any other era. Thus was born the renaissance of beautifully terrible film.                                                                                                           

So, now you have a time period to work from, how are you going to sift through the garbage to find the delicious chocolate hidden at the bottom? Well heres a list for you!

Things to keep an eye out for
1) Any title that contains the following words:
-Laser (especially if its spelled lazer)
-Time (the 80s took the concept of time manipulation to such amazingly hilarious lengths you really cant go wrong with movies that focus on it)
-Sorcerer (case and point, the Sword and the Sorcerer has two of our key words and is double the kickassitude. Seriously a movie that has a tri sword that shoots sword missles? Cant go wrong!)
2) Look for genre crossovers. Take this gem I discovered, Dungeon Master (see there’s master working for you right there) that is essentially about computers vs. magic, specifically magic controlled by the devil.
3) Look for nostalgia. If you're my age you probably grew up with a lot of the movies from this era, though you probably haven’t watched them in a long time. Change that. Running Man is still fucking amazing, so is Total Recall. The Last Starfighter? Fucking dope. Krull? Winner every time!
4) Look for characters you've never heard of. There were a lot of attempts to establish dynasty film series like Star Wars and Star Trek and pretty much all of them failed. These movies can be absolutely amazing. Hawk the Slayer, Yor, the Hunter from the Future, these movies will make you laugh, cry and regret forever that they didn't get picked up for sequels…yet…

That's about it for the sci-fi fantasy side of things. The list for finding the best action movies is way shorter.

1) Schwarzenegger, Norris, Seagal
These are the only names that really matter when it comes to totally sweet movies. Sure, Van Damme, Jackie Chan, Jet Li and the likes can get you some pretty sweet movies, but those guys never fought vampire zombies like Steven Seagal did (this is a recent movie by the way so its extra rad because Seagal is all chubbed out making the action that much more hilarious). They never played a magic forest spirit that could transform in to a bear a hawk AND a wolf like Norris did in Forrest Warrior. And for fucks sake none of them ever PUNCHED A CAMEL IN THE FACE like good ol’ Arnold in Conan. Sure there are many good movies outside of the big three but why even bother?

(By the way I know the above movies were made more recently then our timeline generally allows but all rules have exceptions and just look at these beautiful miracles of film mastery!)

Finally, horror. Picking a good horror movie is tough. The line between a horror movie that is amazing and hilarious and one that is just shitty is pretty fine. Picking one that will STAY good is even tougher. Note Leprechaun in the Hood. Starts off awesome with Ice T searching for treasure in the ghetto, which is fucking rad, but man does it suck after that. In reality horror is much more of a crapshoot and there’s only a few suggestions I can offer to better your chances (in other words you need lots of practice in picking winners to find the good ones in horror)

1) Except for the rare case, do not watch sequels. For every Jason X there is a hundred Pumpkin Head 2 or Hell Raiser whatever the fuck they are on.
2) Set your time line back a bit. The 70s seem to have gotten the “lets think of all the crazy ways we can kill people” bug up their ass. Which brings us to our next point.
3) Look for movies that kill people in crazy ways. Things like Blood Hook where a dude goes around killing people with a giant human sized fishing lure.
4) Watch Sleepaway camp. Just fucking do it. 
5) If it’s got a lot of hot babes in it, its probably really shitty. The uglier the people are in a horror movie the better it probably will be. (note the following) 

Original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Ugly people, awesome movie

New Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Attractive people, shitty movie
Heed my instructions well and you will never be without entertainment. Unless you don't have netflix instant watch. If that's the case I would strongly suggest climbing out from under your rock and join us here in the future you fucking troglodyte. 

Which Piece of Shit would you Rather Spend the Day With?

Challenge number 1! George Lucas vs. Michael Bay.

So heres two people that are masters in the art of fucking up amazing things and who generally are dragging down society as a whole. So who would be better to spend the day with?

My vote is Michael bay, 100%

See heres the thing with Lucas. When I picture spending the day with him I see sitting in his house, interior completely covered with green. He would have you stay on a couch while he sits at his computer, changing the environment around you as he sees fit.
"Now Jar-Jar is sitting next to you. Oh boy hes being silly!"
"Now your on Hoth. Boy you look chilly! Better slice open a Ton Ton!

Then he would masturbate and cry because no one loves him. At least he would make it so he would be floating in space surrounded by thousands of light sabers in his computer so he could lessen the pain of his social reject existence.

Michael Bay on the other hand. Oh boy.
You would be roused from sleep by the sound of foot steps running towards your door. You would awake in just enough time to see Bay put his foot through said door, bursting into the room, face dusted with cocaine and tailed by at least 10 blonde models, all with fake tits in the DDD range. He would probably say some garble of recognizable movie lines in an attempt at communication (Drop your cocks and grab your socks because I am the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a the Lord Humongous! Welcome to  earth!) But the content doesn't really matter. All that is being communicated is that you are about to get fucked up nuts today.

Before you know it you would be on an air field firing M-16's at departing planes all while the aformentioned models ride flaming motorcylces around you. They too would eventually get lit on fire and Bay would float the notion by you that maybe you guys should tag team one before she dies but while she's still ablaze. The subject would die quickly however because he would see his fleet of monster trucks, all bearing giant dicks on the front bumper, approaching on the horizon. What happens next would probably be a blur due to the fact you have been attempting to go snort for snort with Bay and his mountain of cocaine he keeps on him at all times (as a true gentlemen does) and your body, being less then 80% cocaine, would eventually start to react negatively. Regardless, you would wake up the next day in a different country, blood on your hands and two grenades in your pocket and with at least 10 new STD's. You would find a note from Mr. Bay's secretary thanking you for participating in the days adventures and warning you never to go back to Arizona due to the large number of warrants you had accumulated there yesterday.

Now who knows if these notions of how these men are in their private lives are anywhere close to reality. Maybe George is some kind of creepy sex pervert and has an army of asian boys dressed as Yoda there to fulfill his every desire.

Lucas posing with one of his many rape slaves

Maybe Bay likes to drink tea and read philosophy. The point is that film makers tend to put their personality into their films and based on that Michael bay would be way more fun. Dont believe me? Watch The Rock and The Phantom Menace back to back and tell me which one said "im fucking awesome" to you and which one gave you the creepy vibe that that one weird uncle of yours does. You know, the one you never see except for at christmas who never really talks, just sits there and stares at you. Then when he does talk he says something fucking stupid, so stupid you just want to punch his mouth all the way through his asshole.

More of these IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A Gentlemen’s Discussion and Rationalization of Loving Professional Wrestling

First, let's make a few things clear. Depending on when you read this, I am either about to have (or do have) a degree from a University. Not a mall college or any of that online never-going-to-mean-anything bullshit, mind you--a real, accredited four-year institution. I drive a foreign car that lacks any phallus attachments or references on it. I think NASCAR is fucking stupid and I don't vote republican. Further more, I’m racially tolerant AND I don't have a litter of illegitimate bastards feeding off government welfare. So it may shock you to learn that I. Fucking. Love. Wrestling.

To be honest, it took a long while before I was ready to come out and admit that publicly. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting two feet away from the TV in the other room of my house with the volume turned way down, remote control in hand ready to change the channel so I wouldn't have to suffer the shame of being caught watching wrestling. The cultural stigma of liking something like that was just too much to handle in my white, middle-upper class neighborhood (yeah I know, rough life of oppression I had to face, right?). The notion that you have to be some beer-swilling hick in order to enjoy wrestling just seems ingrained in the collective minds of the educated and “cultured.” But fuck that shit. I am a classically trained musician who loves jazz and opera and wine, who just happens to love the shit out of some action in the legendary squared circle. And I know I’m not alone. So I am going to try and use all of that college brainpower to prove that loving wrestling is totally fine and may be an essential pastime for bettering yourself as a human.

Oh, and I should mention that I will be mostly talking about wrestling from about 1998 and back. Most of the justifications provided will apply to modern wrestling but honestly things have gotten pretty bad recently and we may be at a point where we no longer can justify a love of the “sport.” Mostly because the network that carries the show does not allow characters (you know, when the Undertaker changed from being an undead guy followed around by Paul Bearer who carried his ashes in order to control him to a biker and all that nonsense). Also, with the advent of UFC (something where people actually beat the shit out of each other) the WWF, sorry “WWE” (wanking motion), had to either go ECW and have people hitting each other with barbed wire tables every night or go family and be PG and stop matches when people start bleeding and all that. Sadly, they went PG, thus cutting the balls of the show. In short, when I think of wrestling I’m thinking about mid The Rock and Stone Cold era and back.

Let's dismiss a couple of things right out. These are the justifications that will generally come from those missing teeth.
1) There’s tons of cool violence!
2) Hot babes fighting each other bro! TITTY FIGHT! FUCK YEAH! *jack off bro make out*

1) Liking violence for violence sake isn’t cool. Furthermore, what’s happening in the ring is more interesting then just the fact two dudes are wrecking each other’s faces.
2) Doesn't work because of this…

The first picture is Chyna, the second picture is the standard reaction to Chyna. Nuff said.

So let's look at some good reasons for watching wrestling:

1) From a philosophical standpoint (my major at aforementioned university, because I make really good life choices like getting a degree in something that hasn't been relevant in the job market for centuries), it is really interesting to watch something that is fake be presented live and with real people being watched by real people who think that it is real. The spectacle that is the WWF/E exists in this weird balance of fiction and reality, what with scripted match’s and well practiced moves that all the while are actually happening without the aid of camera tricks or wires or anything in real time, and I find it fascinating. What makes it all the more interesting is the crowd eating it all up, booing, cheering, chanting, and embracing the fiction/reality that is presented to them. It’s a strange sight to behold and one worth seeing.

2) Sociologically, if you are interested in American sub-cultures, just look at the “WWE universe.” The strange thing is that it actually has become its own little world, cult like in devotion and with the amount of attention focused on feeding propaganda to its fans that would rival a dictatorship. There are magazines, web based communities, award shows within the universe, a hall of fame, conventions, things like the “Dibiase posse” and superstars own youtube channels where they interact directly with the fans (link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_Vtwdozi-Q). And the marketing! Holy fuck the marketing! There are video games, any kind of apparel and accessories slapped with logos and faces of superstars you can think of.

(Respectively that's a John Cena lamp, and a CM Punk baby thing. For serious.)

Fuck it, you get the point. The WWE universe is a very large subculture in this country and it is worth studying. Not understanding it, or at the very least not recognizing it, could be harmful to any worldview you seek to establish.

3) Most people who haven’t watched a lot of wrestling and yet criticize it generally say things like “its just a bunch violence and macho bullshit.” First of all, fuck those people in their stupid twat of a mouth. Secondly, it’s way more than that. Yeah, if you just watched one instance of Smackdown or one pay per view event you would get the impression put forth by our aforementioned twat-mouthed friends but you're missing one of the really big things that draw people in; the story telling aspect of the business. It’s not so much about Hulk Hogan just owning the Iron Sheik in a fight more than what the fighting meant and all the build up to that show down. Every contained story within wrestling really is like a 80s pump-up movie (80s pump-up movies being intrinsically amazing, we can infer that anything that is akin to an 80s pump-up movie is at least on the right path to awesomeness). They are all about heroes working to best villains, underdogs overcoming impossible odds, the rise of a superstar and sometimes their descent into becoming the bad guy. Take the classic Wrestlemania III Hulk Hogan Vs Andre the Giant fight. Yeah it was fucking awesome when Hulkamania ran wild over that ring and bodyslammed the giant, but it was made even more awesome by the fact that Andre was billed as undefeated for 15 years and impossible to defeat. It was awesome because of the story arch of the match itself, our hero Hulk getting his shit worked so hard to the point where you cant see how he could pull it off but then he starts hulking out and bam! A slam and an epic leg drop later we have our hero pinning the unbeatable giant. And that's just my point; wrestling is like soap operas for dudes mixed with all the Stan Bush inspired imagery and feeling of Rocky fucking Top Gun 80s magic to produce a baby so awesome it could only be contained in the WWF. Yeah, the stories are pretty simple, but we love them all the same; we love to watch our favorite characters progression throughout the time line and all the twists they experience along the way. Does this make watching wrestling “good” on an intellectual level? No. But my point is that it’s not as bad as people think. There are plenty of movies and TV shows out there that have less complexity and simpler stories then those presented in the WWF (note anything that Ashton Kutcher says yes to these days or anything that Michael Bay’s putrid smegma infected cock of a brain comes up with).

In conclusion, it’s ok to watch wrestling regardless of how not a hick you are. That a bunch of morons watch it does not make you a moron. A bunch of morons like a lot of things that normal and intelligent people like, yet the kind of stigma that is attached to liking wrestling isn’t applied to them (note that we don't go yelling at random people for simply enjoying pop music… well, I do but that's because I have America's best interests at heart). You just have to watch it with the right kind of eye and watch it for long enough to get attached to the characters and pick up on the story arch they are creating and soon you will find yourself enjoying it. Just remember that the difference between being a passive, intelligent appreciator of wrestling and being a “fan” is crossed the instant you do something retarded like get Hulk Hogan’s face tattooed on your ass.