Monday, February 6, 2012

Predator could rip out the skull and spinal column of Commando

Now I want to make one thing crystal clear. Commando is for sure in the top ten of most awesome movies of all time, for all the reasons Dilly threw down. Further more, after some deep soul searching, I may grant that it is on the same level as Predator (maybe). So heres whats going to happen. Im going to lay out why I think Commando isn't as awesome as Predator, show why Predator is one of the most kick ass things to ever happen in the history of ever, and put forth a third consideration for best Arnold movie of all time that may just have both of them beat.

First problem with Commando. This bitch.

Duhhh Im comic relief
I dont know what happened in the mid 80s but this isnt the first example of throwing in a hyper annoying female comic relief in a movie where its entirely inappropriate and unnecessary (whats more funny, the "I lied" dropping of Sully off the cliff or this stupid lady going "oooh nooooo I dont know how to fly the plane ooooooh this is going to be silly as I squeal a lot!). I mean just look at Temple of Doom, which was released the year before Commando.
Remember how much you wanted a certain someone to voodoo this turd of a characters heart out of her chest?
Generally, if there is a character in a movie or television show that your supposed to like but you constantly want them to NOT be there or just want them to get eaten by cannibals/Arnold Schwarzenegger/Dinosaurs then that character has failed, either as a result of the actor, the direction or the writing. For me, the chick in Commando prevents the film from achieving its full potential. I will freely admit that if this character was removed or rewritten/re-acted then Commando would probably take the spot of best Arnold movie ever. It does have one more hurtle however...These things!

Thats right, steel drums! The score is FILLED with them and I dont fucking get it. However, Dilly did point out in non internet conversation that they add to the over all ridiculous over the top awesomeness of the film and im willing to entertain that notion. Ill leave it up to the readers to decide if these are a pro or a con.

Now for why Predator fucking rules.
1) No main characters that you wish werent there or would get lazered by the Predator. 
Every person in Arnolds ultra warrior group is really awesome. As a result, when stuff starts going wrong you actually feel bad. When Jesse Ventura went down and his buddy picked up the chain gun and started punishing the jungle with bullets you really feel the emotion. Its like hes shooting bullets of pure rage and sadness at a 2000 rounds per minute. And when that guy is drinking whisky over Venturas body, delivering his awesome promissory monolog, i mean holy shit! Its the best posthumous bromance ever! Point is, the characters are all awesome and you like them. No one pisses you off except Carl Wethers and hes there to be the badish guy so thats what his character is supposed to do! 
2) The score. No steel drums. Just fucking awesome.
3) You think commando has some good lines? Prepare to get schooled
"You're all a bunch of slack jawed faggots. This shit will turn you into a goddam sexual tyrannosaurus, just like me."
"I aint got time to bleed"
And thats just a couple from Jesse Ventura!

Theres one liners as well! Perhaps THE BEST one liner in this history of cinema. Arnold throws a giant knife into a guy, it goes through his chest, and the dude gets stuck to a wall behind him. 

You know what Arnold says?
"Stick around"
Holy fucking shit. 

Oh and we all know the famous Arnold line "Get to the Chopper!"
You know what movie thats from?
Oh yeah

4) Action! Yeah sure, Arnold kills like all of Cuba with a a handfull of weapons in Commando, and thats awesome. But whats more awesome? Killing and army humans by yourself? Or a whole team of badasses not only wiping out a whole guerilla army establishment but Arnold going one on one with a space faring badass? I mean as far as final bosses go whats more awesome, This guy?


All of this combined with the fact that Predator is actually a pretty suspenseful and generally well written movie, coupled with iconic imagery like this,

All that together just drives it home for me.

Now that that is over with, There is a third very powerful candidate to consider. Im not going in depth about it. All I really need to say is that is has an obese opra singing bad guy that shoots electricity from his light suit, a mongolian hockey player that has a killer hockey stick, and a scene where Arnold saws a guy apart with a chainsaw balls first. Yes dear reader(s), I am talking about this.

If we ever get readers, I would love to hear what people have to say about this. Until then, the debate rages on!

No comments:

Post a Comment