Top 5 movies for kids born around 1988

So Dilly talking about Ren and Stimpy got me thinking about the good ol' days of VHS and the movies I watched over and over again to the point where, because of the fact they were on VHS, I couldn't watch them any more because the tape was warped, broken, or melted by the sun.

The Death of Childhood

So Im going to throw out a list of the best of the best from this era and see if these movies still hold up to my now all grown up self. Heres the rules:

1) No disney, because thats just too universal and the desire to put A Goofy Movie for all 5 spots is so damn strong. 

2) Made before 1995, because by then I was 8 and had discovered things like Jurassic Park and Star Wars and other non kid specific entertainment

So here we go! 

5) Fern Gully!

Hell yeah, everyones favorite early 90s animated film depicting the evils of logging in the rainforest/pro fairy propaganda. The reasons why we all loved this as kids was pretty clear, magic, a Ton Loc lizard and a rapping Robin Williams bat, and to top it all off a really inappropriately sexual villain in the form of a smoke based Tim Curry under the name of HEXXUS! (seriously LISTEN to how sexy this is. Starts about 45 seconds in)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PLQ1XfaTuU

Does it hold up? 

Im really torn on this one. On the one hand there are some really sweet things and nostalgic moments, Ton Loc in general and Hexxus being the most awesome and inexplicably sensual bad guy in a kids movie ever, but this movie really does reek of 1992. Idiot jerk bag with a walkman as our main character, rapping Robin Willams bat, that shit really dates the movie and after the nostalgic haze wears off its kind of annoying. Its worth watching now but don't expect to fall in love all over again. 

4) Ewoks!

Now I'll admit that I obviously had watched the original trilogy before this but I still watched this pre 1995 so it works. This movie kicked ass when I was a kid and I'll be dammed if I didn't want to live on Endor and hang out with Wiket and Wilford Brimily. There were a couple of these movies made and I watched them both about a million times. 

Does it hold up? 

Meh...not in the way you think. They are still fun to watch with the right kind of eyes and the right state of inebriation. First, these movies feel really weird. If it wasn't for Ewoks, there would be nothing that links this to Star Wars. They are like fantasy movies with magic and shit. Second, its hilarious how oddly creepy they are. Wilford Brimley taking a little girl up into space with him, alone. Wilfords pal the cracked out little rabbit with soulless eyes...

We will eat your soul in your sleep

It's all really fun and funny if you can laugh at stuff like that. So yeah, grab some beers and watch the shit out of these movies!

3) The Secret of Nimh!

Oh my god. This movie comes from the school of thought that "we dont give a shit how fucked up this movie is going to make your kids, they are going to watch it and LOVE it." This movie has it all, a really awesome and interesting story line, good writing, great characters, super intelligent rats planning their uprising, demon owls, actual consequences and stakes, moments of real fear and suspense, you know, everything that kids movies are missing these days. 

Does it hold up?

Yes. Yes it does. I dont even want to take the time to explain why it does hold up, I just want you to go out and fucking watch it again. NOW!

2) Transformers the Movie!

Wait what is that? Mired in the veritable swamp of fecal matter and Shia Leshits stuttering you forgot that there was a Transformers movie before Michael Bay dipped is tainted balls in the mix? Yes indeed my friends, this movie happend and it was amazing. Transformers how they were ment to be, animated and fighting a giant planet swallowing Orson Wells in his farewell roll. 

Does it hold up?

Hell the fuck yes! This movie has quite possibly the weirdest and best soundtrack of any movie ever. They didn't even try to match the songs to the scenes, they just threw a bunch of awesome tunes, from Stan Busch 80s pump up jams to Weird Al, and it made the movie enjoyable just in virtue of the soundtrack. The rest of the movie is also really sweet, cool animation, interesting story, great adventure. If you loved the Transformers and have had a hard time holding on to that love through the Michael Bay hurricane, go back and watch this movie. And always remember, You've got the touch, you've got the POOOOWEEEEEER!

1) The Never ending Story!

So if you did not watch this when you were a child I am deeply sorry. This is one of the most amazing children/fantasy movies of all time. There are so many memorable moments and images from this movie that its really on par with Star Wars for me as far as that nostalgic feeling you get when you see the cover again for the first time in awhile or hear a song from the movie. How could it not be on the same level? One of the reasons this movie sticks with people is that it was created before CGI came and dominated/ruined everything. The sets were real, the creatures were actually made and moved through animatronics and puppetering. This fantasy universe felt real and you could easily put your young self into to world, going on adventures right along side of Atreyu and Falkor, a feeling that comes so rarely in the history of film that every movie that can make you feel that is worthy of all the Oscars ever. 

Does it hold up?

Yes. This movie is beautiful and immersive. Even people who have not seen this movie before will love it its that good. From scenes that make you cheer like Bastian chasing the bullies while riding Falkor to the slow and soul crushing death of Artax, Atreyu's horse, this movie will fucking move you. If you have any doubts about watching this movie again now that you are all grown up and responsible I fucking dare you to listen to the opening theme song and not start singing/crying joy tears. 

Do it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwzRm_Ut7HM

Almost 10 reasons why you should be watching The Ren and Stimpy Show (on Netflix)

     Hello boys and girls, it's your old pal, Stinky Wizzleteats. Okay not really...and let's face it, if you're reading this (and I doubt that you are) you're most likely a 36 year old man-child living with your parents, eating a microwave burrito, watching re-runs of Happy Days. Well one of the reasons you're probably still sleeping in your race car bed in your parents' basement is because they didn't let you watch the show I'm about to comprehensively review for you. What show is it, you ask? Well maybe if you didn't interrupt people all the time, they wouldn't hate you so much, and you wouldn't be sleeping in a race car bed in your parents' basement. But I digress. The show (actually, it's an AMAZING CARTOONY PICTURE) is called The Ren and Stimpy Show, and I'm going to lay down the law as to why you shouldn't fall in with the crowd of people who "don't much care" for such "grotesque humor." What are the reasons, you ask? Seriously? What did I just say? Good god you're irritating. No wonder my sister's boyfriend made you eat dirt in 7th grade.

     I want to point out right now that I'm talking about the original Ren and Stimpy Show; I am not talking about the newer Ren and Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon" which aired briefly on SPIKE in 2003, and of which we must never speak again.

     You should be watching at least an episode of this fine cartoon every night, because The Ren and Stimpy Show is now on Netflix! It's so fucking convenient that you have no excuse. NO EXCUSE. Now, in case you have an excuse, I'm going to go over that too. Here are some common excuses for not watching Ren and Stimpy:

Excuse A: "It's too gross/stupid/vulgar."

Response A: You are truly a sad fucking excuse for a human being. Life is not always dainty and wonderful and flowery and nice. The artistic way in which Ren and Stimpy captures the vulgarities of life is what makes it beautiful. I suppose you're one of the types who won't read Huck Finn because you might accidentally see the "N" word or watch a horror movie because you might accidentally get scared. Oh boo hoo you poor thing you MAKE ME SICK. It's the concept of the "sublime" people. You take in art because it makes you FEEL something, whether it be happiness, sadness, fear, disgust; it's the simple act of enjoying those sensations, of being put on edge, that this show taps into so wonderfully well. So if you are not afraid to break out of your consumerist, imagination-defeating bubble, then read some poetry, listen to some music you haven't heard before, and watch THE REN AND STIMPY SHOW. I promise you, if you actually take the time to absorb the content, rather than just take it at face value (like the idiot who laughs through every horror movie and then complains about how lame it was) you will agree with me on the points that I'm about to lay down [below]. Also, watch it with FRIENDS (if you have those)! Laugh, squirm, enjoy it with them.

Excuse B: "It's pointless."

Response B: Okay, seriously, it's a cartoon, it doesn't need to have a moral agenda. Moreover, the episodes (if you actually took the brain power to have a serious watch) often make political, social, and other pop culture statements or references [see below for examples] that (along with the Simpsons which was just starting to do this at the same time) made it the first cartoon of its kind.

Excuse C: "That's a cartoon for kids. As an adult, I wouldn't enjoy it."

Responce C: *smacks head*, sweet cheese of nazareth you are so close-minded. Can't you ever enjoy something beyond it's popular boundaries? For the love of all things holy, be an individual for once. Think for yourself. This cartoon has been consistently acclaimed over the years for being enjoyable for both children and adults. In fact, kids are LUCKY if they get to see Ren and Stimpy these days. They don't allow kids to watch anything anymore that doesn't turn their brains to consumerist mush. This is probably the only cartoon I've ever seen that treated kids like human beings, and not retarded baby-kids.

     Now, please pay attention while I expound the virtues of Ren and Stimpy in no particular order:

1. The music - Perhaps the best thing about the music in Ren and Stimpy is that it's not some stupid brain hemorrhaging kiddie song with an obnoxious chorus of kids singing back-up. No sir, instead we get blues, jazz, classical, and folk - and the only jingles you hear are satirical tunes poking fun at traditional kid-geared commercials, like dolls or breakfast foods. Seriously, the music in RnS is AWESOME. I can't stress that enough. It works very well with the cartoon's 1940s Clampett-inspired artwork.



2. Political/social/pop culture content - Ren and Stimpy first came on the air in 1991, when I believe the Simpsons was about in its 3rd or 4th season, which is right when they finally started getting political (and funny). This was the dawning of a new era, when we began to see social commentary in cartoons not only for adults, but for children as well. It still amazes me to this day that RnS made it as many seasons as they did while giving kids a humorous, satirical, and refreshingly imaginative viewpoint to reflect on things in their own lives (later on, cartoons like Spongebob Squarepants would construct an experience inspired by RnS, except not nearly as edgy of course - not even close).

RnS's tongue in cheek narrative is riddled with tongue-in-cheek pokes at pop culture as well as things Texas schoolboard officials would paddle you for, such as:

a. Ren and Stimpy are themselves suggestively coupled with each other, apparently in a domestic partnership as a male dog and cat. On top of that, Ren abuses Stimpy constantly, beating and smacking him and calling him names. Of course, you will love this dynamic, because Ren's constant anger, greediness, criticism, and superiority complex are carefully balanced with the brotherhood he shares with his best friend, Stimpy. As he yells at the salesmen in the episode "To Salve and Salve Not," "how dare you take advantage of my blithering idiot!"

See, they're best buds.

b. Everything about the character Powdered Toastman (a spandex-clad hero with toast for a head who represents RnS's favorite breakfast food, powdered toast; he's also Pastor Toastman by day). In one instance, PTM saves a kitten that is about to be run over by a truck. How does he do it? He shoots down an airliner which then crashes into and explodes the truck. He picks up the cat to see if it's okay, only to receive another distress call, at which point he throws the cat offscreen where we hear the screeching of tires  fofllowed by a crashing sound and presume that it is killed by another vehicle. In another instance, PTM becomes president of the US after the previous pres gets his johnny caught in his zipper. It's cold in the oval office, and PTM decides to heat it up by burning some old "dusty papers" that are lying around. We see from reading the titles that they are the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. Of course, Nickelodeon cut this part out when it aired on their network.

"Powdered Toast" was deemed inedible unless Powdered
Toast Man had farted on it.

3. Controversy - Which leads me to my next point, the controversy surrounding the show. You see, it took a bit, but the idiots at Nickelodeon started catching on to what creator John Kricfalusi (genius) was up to, and it scared them. They started getting all butthurt and all "oh Jesus think of the children they can't see farts or people getting slapped!" But they didn't want kids to see sophisticated sarcasm like the joke about the constitution either. So they started censoring the show. They even pulled an episode or two. And we all know that a kids show must be fucking awesome if it starts getting censored by its own network.

No sir, you won't see this in a kids cartoon again.

4. Artist controlled cartoon - Ren and Stimpy was the first artist controlled cartoon in a long time, like, since the golden age. That means Kricfalusi and friends got to do everything, write storyboards, illustrate, the whole bit as opposed to the previous model where everything was created from the top-down, with the networks in charge and cartoons built around merchandise that could be sold, such as action figures. I do have to give credit to the execu-turds at Nickelodeon for experimenting with this method of cartoon making, as it turned out so well in our favor.

5. Inspired many other cartoonists - Wikipedia says Beavis and Butthead, South Park, and Spongebob. I believe it. The show was also parodied on the Simpsons several times which I think it awesome.

6. Famous voice actors/cartoonist done voices - Kricfalusi himself voices Ren Hoek, and according to Wikipedia was able to attract the following guest voices:  Frank Zappa, Randy Quaid, Gilbert Gottfried, Rosie O'Donnell, Dom DeLuise, Phil Hartman, Mark Hamill, Frank Gorshin, and Tommy Davidson.

7. Premiere cartoon on Nickelodeon - Ren and Stimpy premiered with two other shows as THE FIRST CARTOONS EVER on Nickelodeon in the summer of 1991 (alongside Doug and Rugrats). Thus, if you are a true child of the 90s, you really have no excuse but to dig this show up again. What's that? You have an excuse? See above for my response.

The "Tooth Beaver" smashing a tooth nerve ending
with his mallet.

8. Artwork - Last, and certainly not least - in fact, most important of all - is the awe inspiring artwork that characterized the cartoon and revolutionized cartoon making, just look at some of these stills:

Note the splotchy background, which RnS became
famous for. In this shot it adds an element of
euphoria and happy dementia.

Note the simplicity of this shot.

I'm genuinely surprised that this was about the most
disgusting picture I could find. Guess you'll just have to watch.

So there you have it, straight from the Mr. Horse's mouth, the resident Ren and Stimpy expert, Dilly. I invite you to comment and tell me your thoughts on the cartoon, whether you love it or hate it. And if you hate it, well then I invite you to use this as your response:

Predictions for the 2012 movie season #1: The Avengers

So we here at the lazer blog love to talk about our favorite movies from the days of yor. However, we have an important duty to analyze the movies of the now and the movies that are about to be. So heres what im going to do. Im going to look at whats coming out, pick the movies that matter and make predictions about them that will be roughly 99% accurate (by movies that matter I mean the things that arnt rom-coms, generic dramas or generic comedies. You have a 100% chance that those will be garbage)

First lets get some things out of the way.
Brave, Prometheus, Dark Knight Rises, Titanic 3D etc, we all know these are going to be good either in virtue of the studio making it (pixar) the people directing it (Ridley Scott and Christopher Nolan) or because it has already won like a billion oscars and has grossed even more money.

On the opposite end of that we can look at any completely unnecessary remakes/sequels and assume they are going to be absolute shit (with a few exceptions that maintain tiny shreds of hope like Men In Black III. So far we have one good one and one really bad one. This third movie will determine if this story is dead or still has somewhere to go)

Heres a short list of just some of the movies that fit this description that will be absolute bile.
1) Dredd. Thats right, a remake of the amazing Stallone epic. Everything ive seen about it makes it look very serious and as a result its going to suck (beyond the obvious reasons its going to suck IE that its a Judge Dredd remake). Shit like this needs to be campy and over the top, otherwise it just doesn't work

2) The Three Stooges. This movies trailer made me want to vomit out of my eyes. Heres the pitch, set the three stooges in modern times, make jokes about modern products to sell them and then we can also have them interact with the jersey shore mutants! WOOOOOOOO

3) G.I. Joe whatever the fuck its called. If you saw the last one and liked it, you should probably seek help. However, if you did like the first one its unlikely you can read well enough to actually find help sooooo I guess cuddle up in the fetal position and just die?

4) Scary Movie 5. I dont even have to explain this one do I?

5) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D. This isn't the original amazing one by the way, this is the shitty remake or one of them or I dont even know. Its fucking stupid and thats what matters.

6) 21 Jump Street. Clearly an attempt to play on the nostalgia of my generation. Guess what, this show sucked and the movie is going to suck way more.

Theres alot more but if I keep going I may just loose it and start my life as a movie vigilante, taking out people like Michael Bay batman style. Oh shit theres one more I have to mention!

7) Total Recall. That they are doing this is a crime against all that is awesome and I hope many a plague is vested upon the makers of this film.

Ok I have to stop this list even though there are SO MANY MORE! So, on to the business of movies that are relevant and that are not guaranteed to be good or bad right off the bat. Here is the first movie that I will be making a call on.

1) The Avengers

So we all have high hopes for this movie. I mean they have been building it up for forever and it is with out a doubt the most ambitious combo project we have seen to date. There are some dire signs however.

1) Only one and a half of the movies leading up to this has been good. Thor/Captain America, not so sweet. Not terrible but not good by any means. That leaves us with Iron Man (the wholly good one) and The Hulk (the half good one). Iron Man the first will go down as one of the best superhero movies of all time and thats 10% thanks to a decent director who knows how to do quick, tongue and cheek action (Jon Favreau) and 90% thanks to Robert Downy Jr. being absolutely perfect in the role of Tony Stark. The Hulk gets a half good because of the great performances by Edward Norton as the hulk and Tim Roth as the bad...hulk thing...skelehulk...whatever it was. Also, the script was co-authored by Norton and, if kept in its intended form prior to studio involvement, it would have added an hour to the movie and probably made it 10 times better. That means, in some universe the intended script was used and the movie really WAS 10 times better so it gets a couple metaphysical points for that. The point is, we are more in the red as far as quality going into this movie then we really should be.

2) Edward Norton is no longer The Hulk. Bad Sign. When the actor you set up for a project this fucking big isnt coming back, we as the audience should be worried. Thats problem number 1. Number 2 is that Norton is one of the best actors out there and any movie he is in is all the better for it. I mean common, look at this!

He played this

He also played this

There are very few actors that can go from American History X to Death to Smoochy. Losing Nortons presence in this film is a bad bad thing. Dont think that losing the original actor in the sequel is a bad omen? Name me one movie where a major cast change worked out and ill name you five where it didn't.

3) Too much for one movie, IE the "Third" syndrome. There have been two films in renent memory that were monumental in how much anticipation they generated and how much they sucked. 

There were a lot of terrible decisions in the creation of these movies and a lot of terrible things that they let get on the screen but the biggest problem with these two films is that they shoved way too much into the movie. Its the sequel multiplication fallacy, they thought that because its a sequel they need to throw in a bunch more stuff in order to get the audience to come back. In both of these movies we had too many storie lines (symbiote, Sandman, and Hogblin in Spiderman and Mutant "cure" and Dark Pheonix in X-men) and we were introduced to so many new characters that all of the stories and all the characters were left completely bare and lifeless. For a story and the characters in it to work we need time to get involved with them, but if you have too much in one department or the other, we cant get involved so the movie doesn't work. The same thing could happen with The Avengers. Yes, we have already set up the characters but the problem may arise that they will try and give every character enough screen time and enough focus on each heros own story line to appease the fan boys and doing so will stagnate the movie because there isn't enough time to do that and make a compelling overarching story. 

These are some big worries for a project that has as much riding on it as The Avengers does. However, there is a shining light beaming forth from the visage of a nerdy guardian angel, enveloping this movie in promise. That light is coming from this man.

Thats right. Joss mother fuckin Whedon. The patron saint of nerd culture on the screen. This dude knows what hes doing with material like this. In fact, I cant think of anyone who would be better suited for a movie that has the tone that the previous films set up. That tone is trying to capture the snarky, fast paced dialog and action from the comics these movies are based on. Looking at things like Firefly, I know that Whedon will nail this tone without issue. Other prominent comic book directors, while good, would do this movie all wrong. Brian Singer (X-men 1 and 2...and Superman Returns but lets not talk about that one) and Christopher Nolan (modern Batman) brought superhero movies to a level of prestige unseen before by being able to really bring out the characterization and dark dramatic side of the material. That style would fuck up everything that is going into this movie and make The Avengers feel really off. This movie needs levity, it needs over the top awesomeness, and because of that I believe it is in good hands. 

So all in all, my prediciton for this movie on a scale of 10 would be roughly an 7.5 to an 8. If they got a different director, it would probably be a 5 or lower. If Edward Nortan was still around, it would be a solid 8. However, we got the right guy at the helm and because of that I think he will handle the issues mentioned above and make something that is right on the nose for what this movie needs to be. Now this movie will never be a 10, that spot on the Chet rating scale is really fucking hard to hit (Citizen Kane, The Godfather, The Empire Strikes Back, Samurai Cop etc) but it was never intended to be. Its a summer popcorn selling blockbuster and an 7.5-8 rating for a movie like that is damn high. There it is! More movies will be discussed in the future!

The Most Illegal move in Wrestling

Predator could rip out the skull and spinal column of Commando

Now I want to make one thing crystal clear. Commando is for sure in the top ten of most awesome movies of all time, for all the reasons Dilly threw down. Further more, after some deep soul searching, I may grant that it is on the same level as Predator (maybe). So heres whats going to happen. Im going to lay out why I think Commando isn't as awesome as Predator, show why Predator is one of the most kick ass things to ever happen in the history of ever, and put forth a third consideration for best Arnold movie of all time that may just have both of them beat.

First problem with Commando. This bitch.

Duhhh Im comic relief

I dont know what happened in the mid 80s but this isnt the first example of throwing in a hyper annoying female comic relief in a movie where its entirely inappropriate and unnecessary (whats more funny, the "I lied" dropping of Sully off the cliff or this stupid lady going "oooh nooooo I dont know how to fly the plane ooooooh this is going to be silly as I squeal a lot!). I mean just look at Temple of Doom, which was released the year before Commando.

Remember how much you wanted a certain someone to voodoo this turd of a characters heart out of her chest?

Generally, if there is a character in a movie or television show that your supposed to like but you constantly want them to NOT be there or just want them to get eaten by cannibals/Arnold Schwarzenegger/Dinosaurs then that character has failed, either as a result of the actor, the direction or the writing. For me, the chick in Commando prevents the film from achieving its full potential. I will freely admit that if this character was removed or rewritten/re-acted then Commando would probably take the spot of best Arnold movie ever. It does have one more hurtle however...These things!

Thats right, steel drums! The score is FILLED with them and I dont fucking get it. However, Dilly did point out in non internet conversation that they add to the over all ridiculous over the top awesomeness of the film and im willing to entertain that notion. Ill leave it up to the readers to decide if these are a pro or a con.

Now for why Predator fucking rules.

1) No main characters that you wish werent there or would get lazered by the Predator. 

Every person in Arnolds ultra warrior group is really awesome. As a result, when stuff starts going wrong you actually feel bad. When Jesse Ventura went down and his buddy picked up the chain gun and started punishing the jungle with bullets you really feel the emotion. Its like hes shooting bullets of pure rage and sadness at a 2000 rounds per minute. And when that guy is drinking whisky over Venturas body, delivering his awesome promissory monolog, i mean holy shit! Its the best posthumous bromance ever! Point is, the characters are all awesome and you like them. No one pisses you off except Carl Wethers and hes there to be the badish guy so thats what his character is supposed to do! 

2) The score. No steel drums. Just fucking awesome.

3) You think commando has some good lines? Prepare to get schooled

"You're all a bunch of slack jawed faggots. This shit will turn you into a goddam sexual tyrannosaurus, just like me."

"I aint got time to bleed"

And thats just a couple from Jesse Ventura!

Theres one liners as well! Perhaps THE BEST one liner in this history of cinema. Arnold throws a giant knife into a guy, it goes through his chest, and the dude gets stuck to a wall behind him. 

You know what Arnold says?

"Stick around"

Holy fucking shit. 

Oh and we all know the famous Arnold line "Get to the Chopper!"
You know what movie thats from?
Oh yeah
Predator
SUCK IT!

4) Action! Yeah sure, Arnold kills like all of Cuba with a a handfull of weapons in Commando, and thats awesome. But whats more awesome? Killing and army humans by yourself? Or a whole team of badasses not only wiping out a whole guerilla army establishment but Arnold going one on one with a space faring badass? I mean as far as final bosses go whats more awesome, This guy?

Or THIS GUY!

All of this combined with the fact that Predator is actually a pretty suspenseful and generally well written movie, coupled with iconic imagery like this,

All that together just drives it home for me.

Now that that is over with, There is a third very powerful candidate to consider. Im not going in depth about it. All I really need to say is that is has an obese opra singing bad guy that shoots electricity from his light suit, a mongolian hockey player that has a killer hockey stick, and a scene where Arnold saws a guy apart with a chainsaw balls first. Yes dear reader(s), I am talking about this.

If we ever get readers, I would love to hear what people have to say about this. Until then, the debate rages on!

Evil #1

Every once in a while I feel it necessary to expose the world to the evil that exists within it. This is a prime example.

http://vodpod.com/watch/3313770-who-let-the-clowns-out

Who let the clowns out? Well obviously it was Satan.
I never would have guessed that there would be anything that would make me hate clowns more than this...

Well, that will show me for assuming there couldn't be any further we, as a society, could go with clown terror. This video is the worst and most horrifying thing I have ever seen. This is my reaction to this video.

Seriously folks, lets stop all this clown bullshit. That is all.

Movie Review: Nothing but Trouble (1991)

"Wow. Holy fuck. That was a good line of blow."

These are, I can only assume, the words spoken immediately before brothers Dan and Peter Akroyd came up with this bizarre early 90s comedy/cocaine incited grotesque-fest. That's right folks, written and directed by the Akroyd's, and including a surprisingly all-star cast:

Dan Akroyd (of course)
Chevy Chase
Demi Moore
John Candy!!!

And honorable mentions:
Tupac Shakur
Daniel Baldwin

This movie is so awesome in so many ways, it's hard to know where to start, but just so you can get an idea for the story, here goes...

Businessman Chevy Chase meets a hot girl, Demi Moore, and they decide to take a trip across the country...or something...I forget why...trust me, not important to the (barely existent) plot. Anyway, they end up passing through a podunk town called Valkenvania, where local cop John Candy pulls them over for running a stop sign. They are escorted to the local courthouse where senile and grotesque judge Dan Akroyd presides, dishing out executions by hitting buttons on his pipe organ (seriously). The rest of the movie is pretty much Chevy Chase and Moore attempting their escape from the court compound while a cast of various vomit-inciting inbred hick types try to prevent that from happening.

Now I can finally get to the best part, pictures of the characters.

Dan Akroyd as Judge Alvin Valkenheiser.

Akroyd also plays one of these disgusting oversized babies, aptly named
"Bobo" and "Lil' Debull." Can you guess which one is "Lil' Debbul" and
which one is a coke-addicted asshat who will never make or star in a decent
film ever again (except for Tommy Boy, of course)?

John Candy plays the judge's son, Dennis, and his daughter, Eldona (the one
in the middle, in case you're an idiot).

Tupac; ironically he is one of the few characters who manages to avoid
being killed in the film.
Oh...sorry. Too soon?

The Judge's (Akroyd) favorite method of execution is to put people on a roller coaster that ends in "Mr. Bonestripper"
where they get...uhhh...I forget...oh yeah, their bones stripped!

IMDB rates this movie at a 4.2, which if you transfer that to the BADASS MOVIE LAZER-RATER that I had professionally designed and calibrated and did not just make up in 2 minutes on mspaint for this article, it's a little disappointing. But good news, everyone! Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 9%!!! (That's 0.9, or nearly 1, for all you drop-outs) Hooray for idiocy!

I give this movie a 2, so please get out there and watch it - especially if you like Chevy Chase. You could even make a drinking game out of it. Everyone will be binge poisoned if you take a drink every time

1) Something disgusts you or,

2) Something happens that makes no sense whatsoever.

You may also find it more enjoyable if you put yourself in a "happy place" before you watch this movie. That's the way I like it and I suggest you do it the same way.