Sunday, February 1, 2015

Pitches to The Asylum: Titanic 3

IM BACK! Thanks to Erik Hoofnalge being the sexy stallion he is blowing smoke up my ass about this blog I finally got off my ass and finished this entry. BOOM. I hope its good! It probably isnt. FUCK. Well whatever heres my pitch for Titanic 3.

A brilliant red giant star is slowly eclipsed by a procession of asteroid and small plutoid objects. Suddenly a large ship enters the frame, speeding towards the sun to establish orbit. As it turns towards the star, we see its designation, "Titanic III" written in giant slabs of gold inlayed with diamonds.
Asylum calling card #1: Fraudulent sequels and spin offs
The scene fades to black as the words come off of the ship and begin to take up the screen as  a dubstep song begins. the final title reading "Titanic 3D: Terror on the seas of tomorrow" Thats right. This shit is in 3D because its about time Asylum corners that market. The drop hits as the scene cuts to an opulent party on the domed deck of the ship. The party is off the chain as the future financial elite let it all hang out on the maiden voyage of the very first interstellar cruise line as it moves on its tour towards Alpha Centari, all of which will be established by some ham handed delivery between the Captain and main financial backer of the ship, played by someone who is at least 400 pounds and who speaks EXTREMELY moistly, preferably always with a cigar or snifter of brandy, and his son, played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas-

Asylum calling card #2: Out of work 90s actor
Look familiar? Yeah. Thats Urkel. Hes using navy science to kill a Crocosaurus. The other guy was drunk the entire film and its really obvious.

-starry eyed and apparently at odds with his fathers nearly Ferengi level of capitalistic ideals. After some heated and moist debating about something the father says, JTT storms out and bumps into a servant girl/now romantic interest, a green skinned foxy whoman who drama shouts all of her lines.

asylum calling card #3: "hot" "actress" REALLY nailing all that dialogue.
To be fair, Brooke Hogan really managed to let Hulkamania run wild all over Two Headed Shark Attack
Its a classic and oh so culturally hip gender swap of the original plot which is way more in keeping with the terrible values of society (which the Asylum revels in), a poor disrespected woman finding love in an super rich attractive douche nozzle.

From there the plot follows the formula of the first Titanic movie, just condensed down to a cool 85 minute run time not including end credits. They fall in love, the dad is all rich and moistly angry about it, they keep it kinda secret, he paints her naked and we see her quad boobs (did I mention the quad boobs? I mean, shes an alien, so...yeah. Quad boobs) and then they get totally freaky right before the shit goes down. And boy does it go down. A electromagnetic solar doodad temporarily knocks out their long range scanners, which leaves them open to the greatest danger in space...A COMET!
See what I did there?
Comets are made of ice
Its like...a space ice berg...

ANYWAYS it hits the ship and all hell breaks loose. The vessel begins falling into the gravitational pull of the star its orbiting, doomed to sink into the abyss of fire. The rest of the movie contains the following.

-People floating off into the vacuum putting their best "I just froze/suffocated to death in the vacuum of space" face on.
-A scene where someone in a panic opens an airlock door and people try really hard to act like they are getting sucked out.
-Seeing as this is 3D, lots of scenes of JTT and his green love interest floating around in space suits pretending like they are dodging debris that are in the foreground.
-A scene of fat dad escaping the ship on an escape pod only to be hit by a stray comet piece and be spun TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE WHOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 3D THE FUCKING FUTURE OF CINEMA!!!! as he is flung wildly out into the depths of space to die.
-A lot of REALLY bad line deliveries
-The inevitable scene where JTT sacrifices himself to save the girl, giving up on his fortune and blah blah love blah blah shes poor and saved etc. The jets on the escape pod dont work so he goes out and fixes them. There is a tender moment as they power up and they both put their hands on the escape pods view port staring into each others eyes before she jets off towards earth, leaving him to float down into the waiting star. Good thing he'll suffocate before he gets there am I right folks?! Ahhh family fun.

Run Credits.

I expect a call Asylum. I just handed you gold. Moist and shiny Jonathan Taylor Thomas  gold.

No comments:

Post a Comment