Monday, February 2, 2015

2015 movie predictions Part 1

So, using my massive many wrinkled brain I am (again) going to tell you what movies are gonna rock and what movies are going to be stinky piles of discarded wank socks. Last time around (cough, points to old blog posts) I was pretty much dead on minus one GLARING mistake in thinking Prometheus was a guaranteed winner. For that, I apologize and if any of you 3 to 4 people who read that went to see the movie based on that recommendation, I will make you a cookie for reparations. Just one. It'll have a frowny face on it and maybe a gum drop in the center to represent and alien bursting from its chest.

If you pay attention there is a slight break in theme this year. Its not just the usual appropriation of existing licenses or the mindless sequels/prequels that typify Hollywood. No, things are getting worse. Not only do we have a big budget video game movie coming in the form of Hitman: Agent 47, which I haven't see the likes of in awhile but my research indicates is going to be a big trend in the next few years (scheduled projects include Assassins Creed, Sly Cooper, and...ugh...Angry Birds...that one hurt to type) , but we are also getting a full feature release of a Goosebumps movie. You know. Goosebumps. Those scary books for kids. From the 90s. With the bees and puppets and boos.

Yup. Goosebumps. 
Pausing on the Goosebumps front for a moment to let my brain process it. The video game movie thing scares me as well it should. If you look back, can you honestly point to a good adaptation of a game to a movie? I mean, there was Mortal Kombat which was tons of fun but not a good movie by any means. Other than that, the transfer is usually pretty painful, mostly because its licensing. The company making it buys the rights to make a movie and typically only has so long to do it and, because they already dropped a ton of cash on the name, usually make it on the cheaper/lamer side of the coin. These movies are rarely passion projects. They are calculated products to tie in with existing merchandise. But what ho, dear readers! The same could be said for comic book movies not even 5 or 10 years ago. Now look at it! We have four huge comic book movies coming, all of which we can trust to be at least fun because marvel figured it out. So maybe Hitman won't be too bad. I would still be weary of it though, there are still going to be some growing pains, I'm sure. Back to Goosebumps...

I'm gonna watch it. I'm totally going to see it. Jack Black is in it. He plays R.L. Stien in his own horror universe. Its probably going to suck HARD but I'm feeling like its gonna suck just the right way to be worth the price of admission.

For the rest, here's the short predictions:


Monsters: Dark Continent: Sequel to Monsters, a movie that oozed so much stereotypical pretension and hit-you-over-the-head stupid messages that I wanted to punch the screen. (And don't get me wrong, I went to a local non-accredited film school; I can be pretentious to the max, but nothing is worse than super overt masturbatory pretension, which really should have been the title for this movie.) My bet is that since it lost its director to the Godzilla movie, the studio making it is banking on its new found pedigree to sell. Gonna be boring and probably pretty soulless. 

Anything else that's a squeal: I did the looking for you. From a new Transporter and Ted 2 to Paranormal Number-Whatever-The-Fuck to Pitch Perfect 2, you can just avoid all this shit. Except for...FURIOUS 7

Insert flexing and grunting noises here

The first one was fun, the second was shit. The third brought it closer to where it needed to be with the over-the-top insanity, the fourth brought it back down. The fifth got its groove back and the sixth was one of the most inane piles of macho insanity that I have ever seen and I reveled in every moment of it. I think they figured it out, and they are going to go even crazier with the seventh, so its gonna be totally worth it.


A mixed bag this year! Instead of every single one looking like a sad old prostitute with some sweet CG effects projected over her to try and sell her "goods", there are actually one or two that might be worth it! The new Mad Max looks like it was made by someone who actually watched the original movies and it has real cars doing a lot of real stunts which really titillates my tits. Jurassic World also has the potential to be a strong "eh, I'm not upset I paid to see this" so that's good! 

On the other hand, we have things like Poltergeist, a horror movie with a summer release which is never a good sign and, of course, Terminator Genesis. Oh wait. I'm sorry. GeneSYS.


They have 3 or 4 call backs and catch phrases in the TRAILER. This movie is going to be pandering stupid awful garbage. Remember that one kid in high school who tried so desperately hard to be cool he would do and say anything and everything he heard to the point of it just being really sad? Yeah, that's this movie. Its going to be the "well my dad drives a Mustang and totally hangs out with the Beatles and he drove me to meet Paul McCartney in his Mustang" of movies. 

Alright, this is getting long so its time to make this a two-parter! Keep being awesome all you four or five people that stop by and remember, if you give bad movies money they will keep making them. So stop it!  BAD!

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