Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Sledge Hammer: A Salute to David Prior

Back! After all this time, wallowing in the depression of having a bachelors degree and still slaving in the service industry, I have been brought back to the hallowed pages of the Lazer blog by a spectacular film, not surprisingly from the 80s.

You know, sometimes the way the little things in life work out is just awesome. Here I am, at the movie store with some bros I haven't seen in awhile, looking to rent the juggernaut of a B movie "Miami Connection" (which I will be reviewing soon) and low and behold its been checked out. SHIT I scream within my own mind, disappointment crushing in around me as a deep ocean crushes the hull of some badass submarine. Suddenly, excitement and commotion to my right, and I see my friend holding a dvd. Its called Sledge Hammer, and boy does it look shitty. HUZZAH!

We promptly rent it (as well as Nothing But Trouble, confirming Dilly's review as 100% on the money) and, for the next 87 minutes myself and my closest friends were treated to a master work of failure. This movie is so far beyond incompetence its staggering, yet not only does it exist but the director, David Prior, now and forever amongst my heroes, made a career from this shit show. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the review of what is quite possibly one of my top five favorite terrible movies of all time. 

To start, lets flesh out exactly what I mean by incompetence. A lot of the movies I watch have a great deal of incompetence (Troll 2, Samurai Cop etc) but Sledge Hammer really takes the cake. Its the most total and complete guide on what to do wrong when making a movie I have seen so far. Honestly, if you are an aspiring film maker, watch this movie, take notes, and never ever ever do anything you see in this movie. The movie opens with a scene which I can only assume accounted for 50% of the total budget, what with the REALLY bad sledge hammer to the head shot. Theres some gross sexy times between some gross people and a kid gets locked in the closet. This, for whatever reason, turns the kid into a sledge hammer wielding...ghost...murderer...I guess...its not really clear, though there is some lovely and long slow motion converge of the lock on the door being manipulated. After the scene ends with a skull splat we are treated to something like a 15 second establishing shot, maybe more. In fact, the vast majority of this movies 87 minute running time is establishing shots; Shots of the outside of the house, shots of people getting out of a van, slow motion shots of people walking and "being in love", shots of door knobs being turned in slow motion. Holy crap, this is one well established movie. The rest of the movie is a horribly cobbled together mess of characterization through dudes being totally shitty to their girlfriends, and youths being killed  in really confusing ways. The main actor is a muscle bound douche nozzle, also known as Ted Prior, featured here

who dumps mustard on his fiancĂ©s head, spurring on the greatest food fight in film since Animal House. His fiancĂ© looks and acts more like his little brother, which is why we nick named her little bro. Theres some total slob of a bro with a beard, his forgettable girlfriend, some blonde chick that wants to bone the most amazingly mulleted/dad stached actor ever, and finally some weird turd in the background that dies first and no one really seems to notice or care, all being killed by some crazy tall dude who is sometimes a little kid, both wearing a mask for some reason as they are both ghosts who probably don't need masks. Honestly, its a fucking dream team. 

This movie is a non-stop laugh riot. I can't really fault David Prior for his incompetence. This movie looks like David picked up a VHS camera, got some friends together for a weekend, watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and decided to make something like it without any of the creativity, effort, or affect, but adding a sledge hammer. I mean look at the bad guy, TCM all the way. 

On the Lazer scale, this is a solid FUCK YES rating. Watch it. Laugh. Live. BRO.

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