Mother fucker. So I wake up this morning, get on the facebooks and apparently someone Dilly knows wanted to hear my opinion on the issue of people who use rolling backpacks/bags who are not at or heading to an airport. Well at the mere mention of such scum sucking mutants I immediately flew into a rage, spewing liquid loathing from every orifice of my body.
Just look at that shit! Useless, lazy, self-important wastes of life who are just too precious to join the rest of us in the oh so arduous task of carrying our fucking bags. Lets go over some reasons why this shit is unacceptable.
1) Invasion of space.
Just look at this gentleman. He is conquering nature itself, all the while only adding a mere foot or so to the space he occupies because he has sacked up and put the shit he needs in a backpack he actually wears on his back. Now look at this.
|I couldn't find a real person doing this, presumably because they lack souls and as such dont appear in pictures.|
Look how much space you now occupy! Oh you're on campus? It won't matter, it's not like there are hundreds of people going to and from class at all times during the day, you deserve to have an extra five feet behind you. Oh you're in a hurry? Well let that weak, limp noodle you call an arm stretch out behind you as far as possible to reach maximum velocity! Now it's like theres another you being dragged behind you! JOY! This brings me to my next point
2) GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY YOU SLOW ASS MOTHER FUCKER!
So I mentioned these pricks occupying even more space as they attempt to reach maximum travel velocity with their precious rolling tumors stretched behind them. Funny thing about that, the maximum velocity with these things is about as quick and spritely as old people fucking. The only time you can be quick with these things is if you are on a perfectly flat surface and its smooth. And by perfectly flat and smooth I mean that it needs to be as such on a micro level. You know why? Because your tiny little wheels cant handle any kind of bumps or terrain variation that can be seen by the naked eye. Oh your taking it on a sidewalk or a college campus or anywhere that isn't a gymnasium floor? I'm sure the people behind you won't mind stopping every five fucking seconds so you can readjust your bag after it topples over. Or even better! You try to prevent the toppling by twisting your hand around while still in motion, making the bag sway to and fro like a vomit inducing ballet of failure. This always works...for about another five feet until the bag THEN toppels over. Good. Now you've held everyone up and make a complete ass of yourself.
3) The only people who use these bags are morbidly obese women wearing shawls, shit-eating pukes of children with god awful parents, and rail thin, precious, indie-hipsters who struggle enough to lift their ray-bans to their eyes, much less lift their bag filled with their hand made parchment and calligraphy pens.
None of these people are a good example of what you should aspire to be. Especially if you aspire to be a child, in which case go ahead and commune with Michael Jacksons ghost and ask him how it went.
4) GOD DAMNIT I WANT TO BITE THESE PEOPLE ON THE FACE! The following is a representation of what goes on in my head when im stuck behind these people.
There it is folks. Join the good fight and warn your friends and family against rolling bags used outside of an airport. Be hero. Im going to go into the forest and punch trees in half to help take the edge off of the the rage that has developed writing this entry.