Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Movie Predictions 2017

So for real I am going to practice brevity here.

Its an easy time to do so though, because 90% of whats coming out is going to fall somewhere on the spectrum of "meh" to "hot, seaside garbage pile."

Basically, there will be a bunch of movies that are ok. Marvel/Disney have ushered us right into the era of the most okayest films of all time. Grand productions that entertain, take no risks, and that typically don't stand on their own but will make you leave the theatre moderately pleased.

Everything is a sequel or remake.

If it is Marvel/Disney it will probably worth the ticket price, but not much more. (Guardians 2, Star Wars VIII)

If its DC (Justice league) its gonna blow, because they have no artists making those movies. Just a board of directors that believe they know what audiences want and consistently prove that they do not.  Also Zach Snyder's horrible taint is too well established in the brand and its too big of a PR risk to do what they need to do, IE break away from any semblance of the Snyderverse.

Also, any movie that is attempting to establish a "cinematic universe" as that is now the go to business model even though its only really working for one goddamn studio is gonna be shit. Its a fundamental mistake to make movies with the intent to make more. Counting eggs before they hatch, carts before horses, completing before sex goddamnit! Its not good for anyone! (The Mummy, King Arthur, potentially every other big studio production. The King Kong verse, the Ghost in the Shell Verse, the Planet of the Apes verse etc)

All the sequels are gonna blow (Just anything with a fucking 2 or 3 in the title besides John Wick 2)

The Nostalgia cash grabs will be the worst (Power Rangers, Jumanji, Transformers which also falls in the universe building category so it will be extra shit)

The only movies that are worth it, the only movies I am going to pay for to see in the theaters are;
1) John Wick 2

the sequel to the best action movie made in the last 10 years. Same team. The only sequel worth your time.

2) Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Luc Besson's return to big budget big vision sci-fi that EVERYONE SHOULD SEE BECAUSE WE NEED TO FUND ORIGINAL CONTENT YOU NOSTALGIA DRIVEN BRAND LOYAL FUCKS!...even though its not totally original as its based on a book...shut up...

3) Geostorm

Haven't heard of this one? Yeah. It was supposed to come out years ago, then it was supposed to come out last year, but it was so terrible they had to spend millions of dollars and hire new directors and producers to try and cobble together something decent. Its probably going to be the most expensive terrible movie released in years, and i'm cynical enough to always want to pay to see a disaster. Especially when the disaster is a movie about disasters.

Thats it. Everything else is not going to be special or worth getting out to share a space with the dregs of humanity for 14 bucks a ticket and 500 dollars per popcorn candy combo.

Also, a desperate message from me, your fearless cultural curmudgeon/leader. DONT FUCKING GO TO MOVIES.

Dont give these movies money. Do you want to see one of the movies beyond the three I listed? Fine. Wait. Wait for weeks after it opens. Hollywood only cares about opening weekend box office. Its the main factor in success. If we stop seeing the shit they have to stop making the shit.

Go to a small theater, see some small movies. They will probably be overly pretentious and self congratulatory because they are so "different" and "independent" despite predominantly relying on the same story tropes as every other fucking indy movie out there
(Im a general every person who has a strange relationship to family blah blah blah) (also most indy movies you actually see in theaters  are projects produced by arms of the studio system so independent isn't really the right word). Still. Stop feeding the beast. Please.

Be a hero and punch these movies in the sternum with the power of your dollarfists! You are a consumer in a capitalist market place. Make the marketplace you punk rock bottom bitch, like this guy!
Remember when movies could take risks? Good times.

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