Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Star Wars Holiday Special: The Horror

Oh dear readers, I have been all around the world of bad movies, from "Manos the Hands of Fate" to " Cannibal Holocaust", the fist of which is real shitty and the latter involves the filmed, brutal, actual deaths of wild animals, but I have now seen something that by far and away holds the title of shittiest visual experience ever. Ladies and gentlemen, "The Star Wars Holiday Special."

Chet and Star Wars:
So like a lot of people my age, I have had a tumultuous relationship with the Star Wars franchise. As a youth, I watched the original trilogy on VHS in its entirety literally once a week. To this day, somewhere in my parents basement, my massive collection of toys are held, from the entire run of the mighty max esque fold away head play sets, to the big fucking tie fighters and x wings (sadly, no AT-AT walker. Clearly my parents didn't love me all the way). The long and short of it is, I fucking loved Star Wars. Of course, times grew darker. First, the changes began. The special editions began slowly ruining the original, magical films. Then the prequels came. To begin, I suffered from a severe case of denial. Phantom menace was great! Jar Jar oh boy! Man! The kid was such a good actor and OF COURSE the force is little bacteria. I couldn't maintain the denial though. Slowly but surely, I realized that they were some of the biggest piles of garbage I've ever seen in the theatre. (Go here. They will explain to you why) After the years of abuse and betrayal, I thought that the Star Wars universe (on video) couldn't get any worse. Holy shit was I wrong.

A young Wookie with murder in his eyes
The Holiday Special:
For those of you who have not heard of the special before, there is a good reason. The holiday special aired only once between 8pm-10pm eastern time in the US and Canada on CBS in 1978, following the release and success of A New Hope. Since that time, George Lukas has actively tried to destroy any remnant of what soon came to be known as the worst two hours of television ever aired. Thank god that there were some brave souls who had the very old school, top loading, heavy as a neutron star home VHS players/recorders, because its thanks to them that this piece of media will live on, defiantly, in the face of George Lukas, standing as a constant reminder that he is an idiot.

Two Hours of Terror:
Lets break into this beast. It starts with Han and Chewie in the Falcon running from the Empire. Han is trying to get his ol' pal to his family for life day. And yeah thats the plot, Chewie needs to get home for life day. Thats it. Then we see Chewie's family, his wife Nala, his father Itchy, and his son Lumpy. We see them in their home, for ten minutes, growling at each other. No subtitles. Just Wookies. Growling. What the fuck. After the completely staggering introduction (which includes some of the most psychotic music in the history of film) we are treated to an english language cooking show that is being watched by Nala (I guess cause Wookies prefer non-Wookie tv?),

As horrific as it looks

the virtual reality sexual fantasy of grandpa Itchy (which of course involves a human women. Nothing says holiday family fun times like inter-sepcies romance), and what seems like a never ending onslaught of bad decisions. Bea Arthur sining in the cantina, Art Carney failing miserably at comedy, and animated Boba Fett...

Admittedly kind of cool. For about a minute. 

I defies description. I do not possess, nor do I believe anyone truly does, the capacity for communicating exactly what you will experience with this debacle. The failure in this one runs deep, almost every aspect of the experience is dipped and coated in it thickly like carmel on a apple shaped poop on a stick.

Do it. Its hilarious. Its mind boggling. Its eye opening. Its culturally important. It has Rifftrax. Its kind of amazing honestly, in a really interesting way. Its amazing because people, people with brains, money, and experience, made it. Its amazing because the original actors came back to star in it at all, even when considering the staggering amount of cocaine they were all doing. If nothing else, you can use it to torture friends with weak constitutions. Go find it, gather those you love, and enjoy the only name in Life Day entertainment.

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