The Most Illegal move in Wrestling

Predator could rip out the skull and spinal column of Commando

Now I want to make one thing crystal clear. Commando is for sure in the top ten of most awesome movies of all time, for all the reasons Dilly threw down. Further more, after some deep soul searching, I may grant that it is on the same level as Predator (maybe). So heres whats going to happen. Im going to lay out why I think Commando isn't as awesome as Predator, show why Predator is one of the most kick ass things to ever happen in the history of ever, and put forth a third consideration for best Arnold movie of all time that may just have both of them beat.

First problem with Commando. This bitch.

Duhhh Im comic relief

I dont know what happened in the mid 80s but this isnt the first example of throwing in a hyper annoying female comic relief in a movie where its entirely inappropriate and unnecessary (whats more funny, the "I lied" dropping of Sully off the cliff or this stupid lady going "oooh nooooo I dont know how to fly the plane ooooooh this is going to be silly as I squeal a lot!). I mean just look at Temple of Doom, which was released the year before Commando.

Remember how much you wanted a certain someone to voodoo this turd of a characters heart out of her chest?

Generally, if there is a character in a movie or television show that your supposed to like but you constantly want them to NOT be there or just want them to get eaten by cannibals/Arnold Schwarzenegger/Dinosaurs then that character has failed, either as a result of the actor, the direction or the writing. For me, the chick in Commando prevents the film from achieving its full potential. I will freely admit that if this character was removed or rewritten/re-acted then Commando would probably take the spot of best Arnold movie ever. It does have one more hurtle however...These things!

Thats right, steel drums! The score is FILLED with them and I dont fucking get it. However, Dilly did point out in non internet conversation that they add to the over all ridiculous over the top awesomeness of the film and im willing to entertain that notion. Ill leave it up to the readers to decide if these are a pro or a con.

Now for why Predator fucking rules.

1) No main characters that you wish werent there or would get lazered by the Predator. 

Every person in Arnolds ultra warrior group is really awesome. As a result, when stuff starts going wrong you actually feel bad. When Jesse Ventura went down and his buddy picked up the chain gun and started punishing the jungle with bullets you really feel the emotion. Its like hes shooting bullets of pure rage and sadness at a 2000 rounds per minute. And when that guy is drinking whisky over Venturas body, delivering his awesome promissory monolog, i mean holy shit! Its the best posthumous bromance ever! Point is, the characters are all awesome and you like them. No one pisses you off except Carl Wethers and hes there to be the badish guy so thats what his character is supposed to do! 

2) The score. No steel drums. Just fucking awesome.

3) You think commando has some good lines? Prepare to get schooled

"You're all a bunch of slack jawed faggots. This shit will turn you into a goddam sexual tyrannosaurus, just like me."

"I aint got time to bleed"

And thats just a couple from Jesse Ventura!

Theres one liners as well! Perhaps THE BEST one liner in this history of cinema. Arnold throws a giant knife into a guy, it goes through his chest, and the dude gets stuck to a wall behind him. 

You know what Arnold says?

"Stick around"

Holy fucking shit. 

Oh and we all know the famous Arnold line "Get to the Chopper!"
You know what movie thats from?
Oh yeah
Predator
SUCK IT!

4) Action! Yeah sure, Arnold kills like all of Cuba with a a handfull of weapons in Commando, and thats awesome. But whats more awesome? Killing and army humans by yourself? Or a whole team of badasses not only wiping out a whole guerilla army establishment but Arnold going one on one with a space faring badass? I mean as far as final bosses go whats more awesome, This guy?

Or THIS GUY!

All of this combined with the fact that Predator is actually a pretty suspenseful and generally well written movie, coupled with iconic imagery like this,

All that together just drives it home for me.

Now that that is over with, There is a third very powerful candidate to consider. Im not going in depth about it. All I really need to say is that is has an obese opra singing bad guy that shoots electricity from his light suit, a mongolian hockey player that has a killer hockey stick, and a scene where Arnold saws a guy apart with a chainsaw balls first. Yes dear reader(s), I am talking about this.

If we ever get readers, I would love to hear what people have to say about this. Until then, the debate rages on!

Evil #1

Every once in a while I feel it necessary to expose the world to the evil that exists within it. This is a prime example.

http://vodpod.com/watch/3313770-who-let-the-clowns-out

Who let the clowns out? Well obviously it was Satan.
I never would have guessed that there would be anything that would make me hate clowns more than this...

Well, that will show me for assuming there couldn't be any further we, as a society, could go with clown terror. This video is the worst and most horrifying thing I have ever seen. This is my reaction to this video.

Seriously folks, lets stop all this clown bullshit. That is all.

Movie Review: Nothing but Trouble (1991)

"Wow. Holy fuck. That was a good line of blow."

These are, I can only assume, the words spoken immediately before brothers Dan and Peter Akroyd came up with this bizarre early 90s comedy/cocaine incited grotesque-fest. That's right folks, written and directed by the Akroyd's, and including a surprisingly all-star cast:

Dan Akroyd (of course)
Chevy Chase
Demi Moore
John Candy!!!

And honorable mentions:
Tupac Shakur
Daniel Baldwin

This movie is so awesome in so many ways, it's hard to know where to start, but just so you can get an idea for the story, here goes...

Businessman Chevy Chase meets a hot girl, Demi Moore, and they decide to take a trip across the country...or something...I forget why...trust me, not important to the (barely existent) plot. Anyway, they end up passing through a podunk town called Valkenvania, where local cop John Candy pulls them over for running a stop sign. They are escorted to the local courthouse where senile and grotesque judge Dan Akroyd presides, dishing out executions by hitting buttons on his pipe organ (seriously). The rest of the movie is pretty much Chevy Chase and Moore attempting their escape from the court compound while a cast of various vomit-inciting inbred hick types try to prevent that from happening.

Now I can finally get to the best part, pictures of the characters.

Dan Akroyd as Judge Alvin Valkenheiser.

Akroyd also plays one of these disgusting oversized babies, aptly named
"Bobo" and "Lil' Debull." Can you guess which one is "Lil' Debbul" and
which one is a coke-addicted asshat who will never make or star in a decent
film ever again (except for Tommy Boy, of course)?

John Candy plays the judge's son, Dennis, and his daughter, Eldona (the one
in the middle, in case you're an idiot).

Tupac; ironically he is one of the few characters who manages to avoid
being killed in the film.
Oh...sorry. Too soon?

The Judge's (Akroyd) favorite method of execution is to put people on a roller coaster that ends in "Mr. Bonestripper"
where they get...uhhh...I forget...oh yeah, their bones stripped!

IMDB rates this movie at a 4.2, which if you transfer that to the BADASS MOVIE LAZER-RATER that I had professionally designed and calibrated and did not just make up in 2 minutes on mspaint for this article, it's a little disappointing. But good news, everyone! Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 9%!!! (That's 0.9, or nearly 1, for all you drop-outs) Hooray for idiocy!

I give this movie a 2, so please get out there and watch it - especially if you like Chevy Chase. You could even make a drinking game out of it. Everyone will be binge poisoned if you take a drink every time

1) Something disgusts you or,

2) Something happens that makes no sense whatsoever.

You may also find it more enjoyable if you put yourself in a "happy place" before you watch this movie. That's the way I like it and I suggest you do it the same way.

Top 5 movies starring wrestlers

Hot on the heels of the netflix and the wrestling entries comes the first of what will be many lists that, should you heed them, will improve your life and open your eyes to a whole new world of badassery. To kick this off we will look into a topic close to one of my three hearts, (because to be truly hardcore you have to have redundant organs. Don't believe me? Look at the Krogans) movies staring wrestlers!

A multiple organ having badass

Oh and a quick note. There is one restriction on this list. One nomination per wrestler. Otherwise it would be 5 hulk hogan movies. Oh and these are not in descending order or anything, they are just 5 variably awesome movies.

5) Santa With Muscles!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmPgWz85Us0

Seriously. Just look at that cover. Thats Hulk Hogan as fucking SANTA. He plays a rich dude who gets amnesia and as a result he believes hes santa, and he has to save christmas. If you dont already want to watch this movie then I dont know what else to say other then to politely suggest you grow some nuts and join the rest of us in manhood (this applies to all ladies as well. Seriously girls, nut up) So you may be tempted to look this up on IMDB and in doing so you will notice it has a 2.2 out of 10 rating and as such you may be tempted to stay away from this movie. FUCKING DONT. In my extensive experience, ratings paint a bell curve where the awesome points on the graph are at the top and bottom of the range (exclude shit like that Justin Beiber curry fart that was at a 1.4 last I checked) so dont be afraid of the 2.2. Dont believe me that a movie with such a low rating could be amazing? Check out The Room, 3.2 and one of the most worthwhile films of the last five or so years. 

Other Hulk Hogan titles that I considered for this spot: Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, No Holds Barred, and Secret Agent Club (which wins the title for most puns per second in a film ever) 

4) Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe!

Holy shit. Jesse Venture is like a space detective that comes to earth to track down one of his own kind who knocked up some earth chick with an potentially space and time destroying mutant baby. This movie also has probably the most awkward kissing scene ever. Im not sure that at this point in his life Jesse Ventura had learned the meaning of "kiss". Again, a 2.5 rating on our awesomeness bell curve puts this in the sweet spot. 

3) Rocky III!

This particular poster makes it look like Stallone may be going back to the roots of the Italian Stallion, though this time with a gay/interracial theme. By the way that was where the nickname came from and one of Stallones earliest roles, a porno. Fyi. look it up. Im not lying. For serious.

Now I know when alot of you out there see Mr. T you think of things like the A-team, the movie at hand or this...

Seriously, that's Mr. T as some kind of forest dwelling, one man tribe.

but what many fail to remember is that his first really big break was in professional wrestling. Not only was he involved in the profession, he was the tag team partner of none other then Hulk Hogan in Wrestlemania 1. That being the case, Rocky III totally deserves to be on this list. Now this series is an poster child for American culture and ideals. Not only is it about an underdog who achieves and fights against adversity and hes brave and whatever but its also a fucking money machine with a total of six movies. SIX. Now of those six, only three are worth mentioning. Rocky I is a legitimate good film and is one hell of a good rags to riches story. The only other films in the series that matter are III and IV, IV because he is literally fighting the physical embodiment of communism (Rocky IV is generally given equal credit for the fall of the soviet union, justly so) and III all because of Mr. I Pity the Fool T. This movie is basically garbage of the worst kind, boring, forced and uncreative but Mr. T as the villian makes ever second of it worth while. Oh and honorable mention for the Hulkster being in it as well as the wrestler "Thunderlips". Great way to open the movie.

2) Walking Tall!

Premise: The most electrifying man in sports entertainment goes off to war, electrifies some bitches, and comes back to his home town to find that some jerk bag has been living large off of the latent electricity left behind by The Rock and using it for evil. Obviously, this cannot stand, so our hero uses a 4x4 to wreck everyone's faces while Johnny Knoxville flops around in the background and gets hurt. This movie is a bit more in the generic action category as opposed to over the top fun times which I generally argue for but The Rock deserved to be on this list and dammit this is his most awesome movie by a long shot. What the fuck else was I gonna pick? The Scorpion King? 

1) The Princess Bride! 

Ok, so this may be too far off topic given that this movie certainly doesn't focus around a wrestler but come on! Its the fucking Princess Bride, everyone loves this movie and if you don't you should go suck your own dick forever. Besides one of the most memorable characters in the movie is this guy!

Fuck yeah that's Fezzik! Otherwise known as Andre the Giant, one of the most awesome wrestlers of all time.
Ahhh I cant do it, this movie really only counts for like a half point. I need one more to fill out this list properly.

1.2) They Live!

So this one is pretty obscure and pretty much fucking amazing. You cant tell from the cover but that's none other the Rowdy Roddy Piper! That's right, Rowdy Roddy Piper and you know what hes doing? Killing the shit out of the corporate elite, which just happen to be aliens. BOOM!

That's it for this list, watch these movies and enjoy. More top five to come in the FUTURE!