Monday, February 2, 2015

2015 movie predictions Part 1

So, using my massive many wrinkled brain I am (again) going to tell you what movies are gonna rock and what movies are going to be stinky piles of discarded wank socks. Last time around (cough, points to old blog posts) I was pretty much dead on minus one GLARING mistake in thinking Prometheus was a guaranteed winner. For that, I apologize and if any of you 3 to 4 people who read that went to see the movie based on that recommendation, I will make you a cookie for reparations. Just one. It'll have a frowny face on it and maybe a gum drop in the center to represent and alien bursting from its chest.

If you pay attention there is a slight break in theme this year. Its not just the usual appropriation of existing licenses or the mindless sequels/prequels that typify Hollywood. No, things are getting worse. Not only do we have a big budget video game movie coming in the form of Hitman: Agent 47, which I haven't see the likes of in awhile but my research indicates is going to be a big trend in the next few years (scheduled projects include Assassins Creed, Sly Cooper, and...ugh...Angry Birds...that one hurt to type) , but we are also getting a full feature release of a Goosebumps movie. You know. Goosebumps. Those scary books for kids. From the 90s. With the bees and puppets and boos.

Yup. Goosebumps. 
Pausing on the Goosebumps front for a moment to let my brain process it. The video game movie thing scares me as well it should. If you look back, can you honestly point to a good adaptation of a game to a movie? I mean, there was Mortal Kombat which was tons of fun but not a good movie by any means. Other than that, the transfer is usually pretty painful, mostly because its licensing. The company making it buys the rights to make a movie and typically only has so long to do it and, because they already dropped a ton of cash on the name, usually make it on the cheaper/lamer side of the coin. These movies are rarely passion projects. They are calculated products to tie in with existing merchandise. But what ho, dear readers! The same could be said for comic book movies not even 5 or 10 years ago. Now look at it! We have four huge comic book movies coming, all of which we can trust to be at least fun because marvel figured it out. So maybe Hitman won't be too bad. I would still be weary of it though, there are still going to be some growing pains, I'm sure. Back to Goosebumps...

I'm gonna watch it. I'm totally going to see it. Jack Black is in it. He plays R.L. Stien in his own horror universe. Its probably going to suck HARD but I'm feeling like its gonna suck just the right way to be worth the price of admission.


For the rest, here's the short predictions:


THE SEQUELS

Monsters: Dark Continent: Sequel to Monsters, a movie that oozed so much stereotypical pretension and hit-you-over-the-head stupid messages that I wanted to punch the screen. (And don't get me wrong, I went to a local non-accredited film school; I can be pretentious to the max, but nothing is worse than super overt masturbatory pretension, which really should have been the title for this movie.) My bet is that since it lost its director to the Godzilla movie, the studio making it is banking on its new found pedigree to sell. Gonna be boring and probably pretty soulless. 

Anything else that's a squeal: I did the looking for you. From a new Transporter and Ted 2 to Paranormal Number-Whatever-The-Fuck to Pitch Perfect 2, you can just avoid all this shit. Except for...FURIOUS 7

Insert flexing and grunting noises here

The first one was fun, the second was shit. The third brought it closer to where it needed to be with the over-the-top insanity, the fourth brought it back down. The fifth got its groove back and the sixth was one of the most inane piles of macho insanity that I have ever seen and I reveled in every moment of it. I think they figured it out, and they are going to go even crazier with the seventh, so its gonna be totally worth it.


THE REBOOTS

A mixed bag this year! Instead of every single one looking like a sad old prostitute with some sweet CG effects projected over her to try and sell her "goods", there are actually one or two that might be worth it! The new Mad Max looks like it was made by someone who actually watched the original movies and it has real cars doing a lot of real stunts which really titillates my tits. Jurassic World also has the potential to be a strong "eh, I'm not upset I paid to see this" so that's good! 

On the other hand, we have things like Poltergeist, a horror movie with a summer release which is never a good sign and, of course, Terminator Genesis. Oh wait. I'm sorry. GeneSYS.

Yeah.

They have 3 or 4 call backs and catch phrases in the TRAILER. This movie is going to be pandering stupid awful garbage. Remember that one kid in high school who tried so desperately hard to be cool he would do and say anything and everything he heard to the point of it just being really sad? Yeah, that's this movie. Its going to be the "well my dad drives a Mustang and totally hangs out with the Beatles and he drove me to meet Paul McCartney in his Mustang" of movies. 

Alright, this is getting long so its time to make this a two-parter! Keep being awesome all you four or five people that stop by and remember, if you give bad movies money they will keep making them. So stop it!  BAD!




Sunday, February 1, 2015

Pitches to The Asylum: Titanic 3

IM BACK! Thanks to Erik Hoofnalge being the sexy stallion he is blowing smoke up my ass about this blog I finally got off my ass and finished this entry. BOOM. I hope its good! It probably isnt. FUCK. Well whatever heres my pitch for Titanic 3.

A brilliant red giant star is slowly eclipsed by a procession of asteroid and small plutoid objects. Suddenly a large ship enters the frame, speeding towards the sun to establish orbit. As it turns towards the star, we see its designation, "Titanic III" written in giant slabs of gold inlayed with diamonds.
Asylum calling card #1: Fraudulent sequels and spin offs
The scene fades to black as the words come off of the ship and begin to take up the screen as  a dubstep song begins. the final title reading "Titanic 3D: Terror on the seas of tomorrow" Thats right. This shit is in 3D because its about time Asylum corners that market. The drop hits as the scene cuts to an opulent party on the domed deck of the ship. The party is off the chain as the future financial elite let it all hang out on the maiden voyage of the very first interstellar cruise line as it moves on its tour towards Alpha Centari, all of which will be established by some ham handed delivery between the Captain and main financial backer of the ship, played by someone who is at least 400 pounds and who speaks EXTREMELY moistly, preferably always with a cigar or snifter of brandy, and his son, played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas-


Asylum calling card #2: Out of work 90s actor
Look familiar? Yeah. Thats Urkel. Hes using navy science to kill a Crocosaurus. The other guy was drunk the entire film and its really obvious.

-starry eyed and apparently at odds with his fathers nearly Ferengi level of capitalistic ideals. After some heated and moist debating about something the father says, JTT storms out and bumps into a servant girl/now romantic interest, a green skinned foxy whoman who drama shouts all of her lines.

asylum calling card #3: "hot" "actress" REALLY nailing all that dialogue.
To be fair, Brooke Hogan really managed to let Hulkamania run wild all over Two Headed Shark Attack
Its a classic and oh so culturally hip gender swap of the original plot which is way more in keeping with the terrible values of society (which the Asylum revels in), a poor disrespected woman finding love in an super rich attractive douche nozzle.

From there the plot follows the formula of the first Titanic movie, just condensed down to a cool 85 minute run time not including end credits. They fall in love, the dad is all rich and moistly angry about it, they keep it kinda secret, he paints her naked and we see her quad boobs (did I mention the quad boobs? I mean, shes an alien, so...yeah. Quad boobs) and then they get totally freaky right before the shit goes down. And boy does it go down. A electromagnetic solar doodad temporarily knocks out their long range scanners, which leaves them open to the greatest danger in space...A COMET!
...
See what I did there?
Comets are made of ice
Its like...a space ice berg...

ANYWAYS it hits the ship and all hell breaks loose. The vessel begins falling into the gravitational pull of the star its orbiting, doomed to sink into the abyss of fire. The rest of the movie contains the following.

-People floating off into the vacuum putting their best "I just froze/suffocated to death in the vacuum of space" face on.
-A scene where someone in a panic opens an airlock door and people try really hard to act like they are getting sucked out.
-Seeing as this is 3D, lots of scenes of JTT and his green love interest floating around in space suits pretending like they are dodging debris that are in the foreground.
-A scene of fat dad escaping the ship on an escape pod only to be hit by a stray comet piece and be spun TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE WHOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 3D THE FUCKING FUTURE OF CINEMA!!!! as he is flung wildly out into the depths of space to die.
-A lot of REALLY bad line deliveries
-The inevitable scene where JTT sacrifices himself to save the girl, giving up on his fortune and blah blah love blah blah shes poor and saved etc. The jets on the escape pod dont work so he goes out and fixes them. There is a tender moment as they power up and they both put their hands on the escape pods view port staring into each others eyes before she jets off towards earth, leaving him to float down into the waiting star. Good thing he'll suffocate before he gets there am I right folks?! Ahhh family fun.

Run Credits.

I expect a call Asylum. I just handed you gold. Moist and shiny Jonathan Taylor Thomas  gold.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Blog back! Update!

Been awhile again. But damnit I'm back and I'm staying back this time. Maybe.

So! Heres the news. Fewer reviews, new features, the return of things I said I would do more of, and as always, more ass kicking awesomeness.

The first new feature is me pitching movies to The Asylum.
For those of you who dont know, there is one production company that makes the vast majority of all those awful movies you see on the Netflix instant watch section. You know, all the hollywood knockoffs like "Transmorphers" and "The Day the Earth Stopped", as well as stuff like "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus." That production company is called The Asylum, and they are my heroes. Im not sure how in on the joke they are, and how intentionally bad they are making these movies, or if they are really just as incompetent as they appear to be, but holy crap they are amazing! I mean they have a movie where URKLE uses SCIENCE to destroy THOUSANDS OF CROCODILES! So, if you pay attention to this blog at all, it wont come as a surprise to you that it is my dream job to make movies for this company. This is the first step on that journey. I am going to write pitches for movies that I think they would produce. First up!

Titanic 3
Terror on the Seas of Tomorrow
IN 3D!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Bioshock Infinite: On the fringe




So here we are, not long after the release of Bioshock Infinite, and its seems as though the entire gaming world is in a state of constant praise based ejaculate and orgasmic joy over this game and its nearly perfect execution of all things that is quality in a game. So here I am, freshly finished with the experience in my little, rarely visited corner of the internet, and with a slightly heavy heart I am going to have to break it to everyone that this game, all things considered, really isn't "all that." SO here we go, the review of Bioshock Infinite. I may just be crazy, but I think I have some valid things to say. 


Judging it on its own merits:



So a few hours into this game, I was ready to throw my hat in with the rest and say this is one of the crowning achievements in gaming history. The art direction, the pacing, the character acting, the writing, all amazing. More importantly, in a medium that society as a whole has trouble accepting as an art form because of the admittedly bad image major developers give it (How are we going to advertise X AAA game? THROW SOME TITTES AND EXPLOSIONS ON THE SCREEN! Everyone thinks games are only for constantly masturbating 13 year olds so lets pander to that idea! YAYYYYY EA, Ubisoft and the rest of the gang!) this game takes on subject matter in a way that takes the previously mentioned concept and uses its integrity fueled fists to punch it in the neck. Its rare that a game takes on the concepts of economic disparity, racial conflict, and religion by themselves. Its rarer that a game takes on these concepts and does a good job. Its nearly unheard of that a game takes on all three and does them justice. Because of that and that alone, I was ready to put this game in my top five of all time. Now I've beaten the game, and after some soul searching, I don't think thats really appropriate. That a AAA game is taking on these issues in a way previously unseen doesn't automatically give it a pass into the realm of awesome. There are plenty of examples of art that takes on an issue in a way that conceptually is impressive, but ultimately the product as a whole is pretty lackluster. I mean, Blacula, a blaxsplotation film about a black vampire in the 70s has a lot of poignant messages about race and the status of race relations of the time, but its still a shitty movie. So looking beyond that the subject matter is impressively presented and uncommon, what about the game itself?

Meh train:

So at about half way through the game I started to notice something. I was getting bored. The writing was still great, the aesthetics beautiful, the pacing of the narrative perfect, but the game play itself, the action of experiencing the world and moving through the story, was really dragging. Honestly, by the last couple hours it really felt like a slog. I still wanted to get to the end, to complete the experience, but man I wanted that end to come quickly. I just couldn't get any joy out of any more of the combat set pieces that serve as the game part of the game. I would like to say I had to wrack my brain about why I felt this way, but really, its pretty obvious. Games are interactive media, and the interaction part of Bioshock Infinite is pretty meh. 

Interaction and Bioshock the first:

So lets get right into this. Bioshock the first is one of my all time favorite games. While its similar to its real sequel (We don't talk about Bioshock 2 round these parts) in that it takes on interesting and particularly sensitive issues in its narrative, the whole experience of Bioshock the first is just better all around. To understand why, you have to look at both games and how they deliver on the interactive portion of the experience. First, let's talk about scale, which is where a lot of the problems come in. Bioshock Infinite really does love to show off its grand art assets, and it does so by having most of the combat take place in wide open areas with a potential for a lot of distance between you and your enemies. Now, both of the games in question are first person shooters, but Bioshock the first takes place predominantly in close quarters combat. The problem with opening up the battlefield as they do in Infinite is that it makes it really obvious when the AI is bad, and boy, the AI is pretty damn bad in Infinite. See, when you are up close and personal, the AI doesn't have to be that sharp. Run at, hit, kill the target. It's all it has to do. When you increase the scale of the field and make most of the enemies ranged attackers, there is a lot more that the AI has to think about, and if your AI isnt really good at thinking, it becomes really easy to exploit them for easy dispatch. Honestly, the instant I got access to an accurate ranged weapon, the game may as well have just let me walk through the plot points to the end, because thats basically what I did. With the exception of a couple Handy Man battles, the difficulty of this game is non-existant. Note: I am pretty damn good at videos. You know. Not to brag or whatever. But seriously. I'm really awesome. Still, when a game has portions where I head shot one guy and, without moving my gun, another puts his face right where his now decapitated comrade was just a second ago, allowing me again to get a head shot, followed by another...followed by another. Seriously, four head shots in a row without moving at all. Because of this I hardly ever had to use any vigors, or any weapons beyond the carbine and the shot gun for the rare instance someone got in my face. Speaking of vigors, when I did have to use them I only ever needed three, fire, shock, and possession. All others were essentially useless as they either did virtually the same thing as the others or were generally purposeless (the ability to catch bullets wasn't really necessary again due to the increase in battle field scale) To make matters worse, Elizabeths ability to bring strategic help through tears, replacing the the tactical combat options you had available in Bioshock the first, and her assistance through finding you ammo, salts, and health, ensure that you will never be low on the essentials that may make the battles more interesting (you know, running out of bullets for your favorite gun and therefore making you have to change tactics) and that you will have combat advantage by being able to call up cover, distractions and turrets. 

Now, in both games, you have the ability to grant yourself combat advantage, and the way you achieve  it serves again to show why the interactive elements of Bioshock the first succeeds where Bioshock Infinite kind of flops. In the former, while the hacking game is admittedly repetitive, easy and kind of annoying after the millionth time, to hack turrets and other devices to give you combat advantage, you had to seek them out, disable them or in the case of things like security cameras avoid them to access them, and then actively manipulate them to get that advantage. In short, you actually have get to know the environment in order to exploit it. In Infinite, all the things like turrets and other aid and distractions are just laid out for you to manipulate when you need them. You don't need to explore, you don't need to manipulate your environment beyond simply looking at something and pressing a button, and because of this there is simply not a lot of immersion to be had in comparison. This holds true for a lot of things. In Bioshock the first, exploration and gathering of ammo and health/adam was essential (at least in the first half), in Infinite, you never get the sense that you need to because once you have Elizabeth on your team she generally will hook you up with what you need and if not, there are vending machines EVERYWHERE. 

Finally, while both games are linear, the way its presented in both games serves to show how Bioshock the first is superior to Infinite in interactivity. In the former, you are generally put into an area that you are free to explore and interact with. Combat is generally small scale, only a couple guys to fight every now and then that pose real threats (until the second half) with Big Daddy's posing unique challenges and opportunities. In these areas you could, depending on how you have set up your character (which in the first you are given a great deal more choice than in Infinite) you can scout out enemies, set up traps and hard points to fall back to, go invisible and hack everything so the environment becomes hostile to everyone but you. You know, you got to be tactical. Also, the story is always given in these environments, so there isn't a separation from the dangers of combat and the delivery of the narrative. In Infinite the combat takes place generally in set pieces along the story line, IE you are given some plot and then enter into a fight. The combat areas are not open to exploration as you do not have any tactical abilities like stealth so you merely go from set piece to set piece until the game is over. There does exist the potential for tactical combat, the skyline fighting and the vigors, but because the scale of the battles and the poor AI, there isn't a NEED for it as opposed to the first where it is essential. Again, because of this, the interactive portions of the game are just stale in comparison to its predecessor as well as many other games in the genre. 

The final word:

Shit I have to work on making these things shorter. My massive, many wrinkled brain just has so much to say! If you made it this far you would probably assume I didn't like Bioshock Infinite all things considered. That couldn't be further from the truth. I am throughly thankful for my time with this game and for its existence. This is mostly a reaction to the unfettered praise that the game is getting. While the story was very satisfying and it was probably the most well paced and one of the most well acted games I have ever played, as well as being balls to the wall amazing in the presentation of the issues it's taking on, the fact of the matter is we are working in an interactive medium, and the interactive portions of Infinite were really lacking. It boils down to these two considerations. 

1) Bioshock came out in 2008, and its interactive portions are more advanced, complex and satisfying than its sequel released five years later. 

2) While the story and its presentation is superior in Infinite, and the characters deeper and the social commentary so fucking ballsy and awesome, there is an important consideration. I have played Infinite once, and its probably the only time I will play it. I am actually considering trading it in, though I want to see what the DLC will be. On the other hand, I am on my fourth play through of Bioshock the first. I know all the twists, I know all moves, but I'm still having one hell of a fun time playing it, because the interactive set pieces are so well designed. 

Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Star Wars Holiday Special: The Horror

Oh dear readers, I have been all around the world of bad movies, from "Manos the Hands of Fate" to " Cannibal Holocaust", the fist of which is real shitty and the latter involves the filmed, brutal, actual deaths of wild animals, but I have now seen something that by far and away holds the title of shittiest visual experience ever. Ladies and gentlemen, "The Star Wars Holiday Special."


Chet and Star Wars:
So like a lot of people my age, I have had a tumultuous relationship with the Star Wars franchise. As a youth, I watched the original trilogy on VHS in its entirety literally once a week. To this day, somewhere in my parents basement, my massive collection of toys are held, from the entire run of the mighty max esque fold away head play sets, to the big fucking tie fighters and x wings (sadly, no AT-AT walker. Clearly my parents didn't love me all the way). The long and short of it is, I fucking loved Star Wars. Of course, times grew darker. First, the changes began. The special editions began slowly ruining the original, magical films. Then the prequels came. To begin, I suffered from a severe case of denial. Phantom menace was great! Jar Jar oh boy! Man! The kid was such a good actor and OF COURSE the force is little bacteria. I couldn't maintain the denial though. Slowly but surely, I realized that they were some of the biggest piles of garbage I've ever seen in the theatre. (Go here. Redlettermedia.com. They will explain to you why) After the years of abuse and betrayal, I thought that the Star Wars universe (on video) couldn't get any worse. Holy shit was I wrong.

A young Wookie with murder in his eyes
The Holiday Special:
For those of you who have not heard of the special before, there is a good reason. The holiday special aired only once between 8pm-10pm eastern time in the US and Canada on CBS in 1978, following the release and success of A New Hope. Since that time, George Lukas has actively tried to destroy any remnant of what soon came to be known as the worst two hours of television ever aired. Thank god that there were some brave souls who had the very old school, top loading, heavy as a neutron star home VHS players/recorders, because its thanks to them that this piece of media will live on, defiantly, in the face of George Lukas, standing as a constant reminder that he is an idiot.

Two Hours of Terror:
Lets break into this beast. It starts with Han and Chewie in the Falcon running from the Empire. Han is trying to get his ol' pal to his family for life day. And yeah thats the plot, Chewie needs to get home for life day. Thats it. Then we see Chewie's family, his wife Nala, his father Itchy, and his son Lumpy. We see them in their home, for ten minutes, growling at each other. No subtitles. Just Wookies. Growling. What the fuck. After the completely staggering introduction (which includes some of the most psychotic music in the history of film) we are treated to an english language cooking show that is being watched by Nala (I guess cause Wookies prefer non-Wookie tv?),

As horrific as it looks


the virtual reality sexual fantasy of grandpa Itchy (which of course involves a human women. Nothing says holiday family fun times like inter-sepcies romance), and what seems like a never ending onslaught of bad decisions. Bea Arthur sining in the cantina, Art Carney failing miserably at comedy, and animated Boba Fett...

Admittedly kind of cool. For about a minute. 


I just...it defies description. I do not possess, nor do I believe anyone truly does, the capacity for communicating exactly what you will experience with this debacle. The failure in this one runs deep, almost every aspect of the experience is dipped and coated in it thickly like carmel on a apple shaped poop on a stick.

WATCH THE FUCK OUT OF IT!
Do it. Its hilarious. Its mind boggling. Its eye opening. Its culturally important. It has Rifftrax. Its kind of amazing honestly, in a really interesting way. Its amazing because people, people with brains, money, and experience, made it. Its amazing because the original actors came back to star in it at all, even when considering the staggering amount of cocaine they were all doing. If nothing else, you can use it to torture friends with weak constitutions. Go find it, gather those you love, and enjoy the only name in Life Day entertainment.